Barney's Blog Archives

ABOUT THE ARCHIVE

2008-03-26T01:03:00.000-07:00

Recently, CBS upgraded the HIMYM official site and got rid of all the back entries in Barney's blog. Well, never fear - next time you want to know what Barney has to say about jai alai, Kansas, or Taller-Than-You Chick, we've got you covered.

NOTE ONE: All content originated from Barney's Blog at CBS.com and is the property of CBS. Only entries that are no longer available on the official site are posted here; Barney's Blog still updates with new entries.

NOTE TWO: While this archive is a near-complete reconstruction of old entries, we're still missing some stuff:

-columbus.jpg, jet.jpg, west_indies.jpg, genoa.jpg, and beach.jpg, from "The Price Is Always Right."
-hookup_chart.jpg, past_chart.jpg, and hotness_chart.jpg, from "Visual Aid? Visual Laid."

If you can help with finding any of those images, comment on an entry or email dary[at]legen-waitforit.com.

BARNEY’S MAIL SACK

2007-11-05T21:17:00.000-08:00

From time to time, I like to dip my hand into my mail sack and respond to a devoted reader. This week, I’ve chosen an email that addresses two areas of growing global concern: the environment and fashion.

Dear Barney,

I recently suited up with my best friend in hopes of being as awesome as you, but when we suited up, it was ninety-eight degrees outside and everyone just thought we were crazy. Do you suit up in warm weather, and if so, how do you stay cool?

Tim

Timothy, you’ve touched upon a heated issue: Global Warming. Some members of the “scientific community” would have you believe that human activity is causing global temperatures to increase at a catastrophic and unnatural rate. “Wait, scientists, let me get this straight: You’re telling me it’s gonna be like summer all year round? Oh no! Panic! Let’s all go out and buy pukey hybrid cars and only take showers once a week!” Please.

Curiously, while much of the “research” has focused on promoting scare tactics like “melting ice caps” and “irreversible drought,” few have discussed how a “global warming” would affect people who don’t live in impoverished nations or on ice caps. Your Uncle Barney’s here to talk about what rising temperatures would mean for fashion.

One very welcome outcome would be a decrease in aggregate clothing for the female population. Two thumbs up. But would today’s exceptionally-clad gentlemen have to trade in their fine woolen three-buttons for a neon tank top, denim shorts and flip-flops? Would an entire nation of men suddenly dress like Orlando? No. That would be irresponsible, which is why we must make changes today to protect the fashion environment for our future generations.

Here are five tips on how you can suit up while keeping temperatures down.

SLEEVELESS APRON SHIRT: As it’s rarely acceptable to take off your jacket (what are you, a waiter?), the sleeveless apron shirt is a Stinson summer staple. Giving the appearance of a fully tailored and collared dress shirt, its sleeveless and backless design affords optimum breeze with minimum fabric, cooling your skin without compromising your couture dignity.

CROTCH VENT*: While conventional wisdom claims that heat escapes from the head and hands, if you’re anything like your Uncle Barney, there is one area of the body that runs a little hotter than the rest. A strategic hole placed in the crotch can allow for optimum trade winds both north and south of your equator. Tactical placement of a small taxi fan can maximize your expected draft. NOTE: Sudden movements on tighter-fitting pants can lead to unexpected junk exposure.

DESK PANTS: If you work at a desk job, simply take off your pants. CAUTION: When rocking the top-half-business-bottom-half-party look, remember to reapply your pants before running off to an important meeting.

MESH SUIT: A dangerous but potentially life-changing alternative, the mesh suit cannot be approached haphazardly. It must contain the darkest and smallest diameter mesh fabric possible lest you risk looking like you’re late for a 1980s high school football or rock band practice. Tailored properly, the mesh suit resembles a classic pinstripe while stealthily providing the comfort of a screen-door breeze. Added bonus: The pants provide an exciting, albeit risky alternative to your strip club ensemble. Added added bonus: No more pesky tan lines.

RELOCATE TO ALASKA: It’s cold there. I think there might be penguins. And penguins are the original suit-wearers. If anything can survive a global warming, it’s those little guys.

*Alterations to existing suits should only be performed on your last-ditch, “laundry day” garments…the ones hanging in the back of your suit humidor.

TED MOSBY, SEX ARCHITECT

2007-10-29T22:06:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I have been hard at work (pun intended) on my highly anticipated adult film script, “Ted Mosby, Sex Architect.” For the better part of a week now, I’ve been furiously banging out the following body of work (again, pun intended). I’ve completed both the opening scene as well as the climax (heh), and Act Two still needs some fleshing out (I’m on fire!), but once I figure out how to work my way to the end—the central dilemma in any adult film—I’m confident that I’ve got a magnum opus on my hands (…guilty).

Naturally, I couldn’t complete this without my beloved blog readership, so I’m calling for suggestions or sample artwork for the DVD box of “Ted Mosby, Sex Architect.”

NOTE: They must be PG; no graphic images allowed! Kids might watch this thing.

Barneystinson@yahoo.com

THE HOT / CRAZY SCALE

2007-10-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

The theory of evolution alleges that humans evolved from monkeys. If we accept this “theory,” then we must also accept that over the course of millions of years, women have become more attractive, less hairy and infinitely crazier.

The problem is certain women’s increase in physical attractiveness has been disproportional to their increase in psychosis. Luckily for us, a chart exists where we can see just how out of balance the ratio between your hotness and craziness has become - knowledge that can prove to be invaluable over the course of your daily life.

Now, you know how hot you are. But you probably have no idea how crazy you are – a major contributing factor to the problem. That’s where the great Professor Barnabus Stinson comes to the rescue. Be honest and rate your hotness from 1-10. Then, take the following simple quiz I’ve designed to see where you fall on the hot/crazy scale.

1. You’re walking down the street and see Matt Damon. You:

a: Gawk from afar and let him pass unbothered.
b: Run up to him and beg to have his babies.
c: Stab him with a pen.

2. You’re driving on the freeway and someone cuts you off. You:

a: Take a deep breath, count to ten, and do a random act of kindness.
b: Hold down your horn and scream obscenities.
c: Stab him with his own broken windshield wiper.

3. You see a kitten stuck in a tree. You:

a: Call the fire department and wait for professional help.
b: Climb up and rescue it, then take it home to join the 125 other cats you currently care for.
c: Stab it with a tree branch.

4. You’re on a date with a fellow and it’s not going well. You:

a: Explain to him you’re just not compatible and offer to split the check.
b: Start a small fire in the ladies’ bathroom thus evacuating the restaurant and ending your date.
c: Finish your decadent five-course dinner, then stab him with a lobster claw.

5. Your boss makes a pass at you. You:

a: Report it to human resources.
b: Go for it, then blackmail him for the rest of his natural life.
c: Stab him with his tie.

6. The barista screws up your double skim, half café, no sugar added caramel macchiato. You:

a: Drink whatever she gives you, so as to not create a scene.
b: Throw the scalding hot beverage into the barista’s face.
c: Stab her with a coffee cup.

7. It’s Christmas, a time of giving, charity, and joy. One of the Salvation Army Santa’s won’t stop ringing the bell in front of your apartment. You:

a: Thank him for doing the Lord’s work and give generously.
b: Tar and feather him from your fifth floor balcony.
c: Stab him with his bell, then steal his bucket.

8. Your grandparents are in town visiting. You:

a: Happily show them around town taking extra special care of them.
b: Berate them for the measly 12 bucks they gave you on last year’s birthday.
c: Stab them with their dentures.

9. You find a wallet in the middle of the street. You:

a: Locate the wallet’s owner and return it as found.
b: Steal the person’s identity and live as them.
c: Locate the wallet’s owner and stab them with their license.

10. Your boyfriend proposes. You:

a: Tearfully admit that you’re already married but not opposed to polygamy.
b: You say, “Honestly, we’ve had a lot of great times together but I just don’t see a future between us” thus breaking his heart… then you pick up the pieces of said broken heart, and stab him with it.
c: Say, “Yes, yes, a million times yes!”

To find your “Crazy” rating, give yourself 0 points for every A response, 1 point for every B, and 2 points for every C. Take that total and divide by two. You now have your crazy number.

Now, using your self-assigned hot number, find your position on the Stinson Hot/ Crazy scale. Remember, you want to find yourself located on the hot side, not the crazy side. If the results are not to your liking, please adjust your appearance or personality accordingly.

SEXPLORATION

2007-10-15T22:27:00.000-07:00

In the early 1500s, an explorer by the name of Ferdinand Magellan set sail to become the first man to circumnavigate the globe. Ultimately, he failed miserably, ending up on the wrong end of a lethal arrow and most probably an uncomfortable bout with syphilis. However, Magellan’s voyage did provide important geographical information in the form of a plethora of maps and graphs, thus paving the way for future worldwide expansion. Five hundred years later, another man with similar intestinal fortitude stands before you, ready to share his extensive knowledge of the previously unknown. A man who also feels no nook should go uncharted, no cranny left uncultivated, and no crevice unexplored.

Yes, it is I, Barney Stinson, who carries the torch from the great explorers of yesteryear, providing these detailed maps and charts from my own extensive travels. Below are some sample maps of my latest expedition. We’ll call her Stacey.

1. Neckopotamia: Explorers often overlook this seemingly insignificant piece of real estate, but don’t be fooled. The region is a virtual treasure trove that, if mined correctly, could open the gateway to lucrative and more rewarding exploration further south.

2. East Hipsylvania: East Hipsylvania is essential to any worthwhile explorer because of its prime location just west of Barneyland, with a plentiful bounty of natural resources to boot. Surrounded by rolling hills and lush valleys, I found settlements there to be both thriving and prosperous.

3. Mammary Peaks: Treacherous but rewarding, the peaks offer some of the most breathtaking views I’ve ever seen. The epicenter of Stacey, this terrific mountain range must be scaled and conquered before you can raise your flag.

4. Midriff Plains: These extensive flatlands are perfect for grazing and serve as the ultimate base camp. The experienced frontiersman knows that all expeditions should start from the plains, and in times of danger, I found the meadows to offer comfort, shelter and security.

THREE-WAY

2007-10-09T13:26:00.000-07:00

When entering a location, it’s crucial for a gentleman to immediately assess all potential three-ways, preferably within 30 seconds. You just have to know what to look for. To help you practice, I have provided illustrations of three common situations you may encounter at the local watering hole. A typical greenhorn might rush to judge and bark up the wrong tree, so take your time. Look closely.

Torso articulated forward, indicating interest. CHECK. Hair play. CHECK. Non-essential skin-on-skin contact. CHECK. It’s a three-way waiting to happen, right?

WRONG!
If you want to pop the tent on your own three ring circus, you need to hone your powers of perception. A blind puppy can see that Subject A is not caressing her friend’s hair in affection; rather, she is removing an errant piece of onion ring.

Okay, but what about the hand holding? That’s as clear a sign as you can get. If they so much as look at you, you’ll be unearthing triceratops fossils all night long, right?
WRONG!
She’s examining her best friend’s shiny new engagement ring.
Three-way potential: 0.00001%

What about these two?
This one’s in the bag. All that’s missing are several yards of beer, the promise of a foam party, and some chick serving test tube shots and blowing a whistle in your ear and these two will have successfully imported San Padre Island to your favorite bar. FACT: Wet tshirts, like pillow fights and sleepovers, increase female-to-female attraction by a factor of 83 units. It’s only a matter of time before you’ll be exploring the Tri- State Area with these sassy lasses, right?

WRONG!
Really, it’s like we’re not even looking at the same picture. Our subject pours water over herself in what looks like wild Sapphic abandon, but wrench your eyes away from the main attraction and you’ll discover the reason for this public shower: a stain on her brand new, expensive blouse. The only thing on her mind the rest of the night will be how to surgically re-attach the price-tag to exchange her top.

Speaking of exchanging her top, surely her friend with the beads is ready to go, right?
Don’t call me Shirley.
The beads are part of an elaborate sting… a carefully choreographed ruse designed to score free drinks the rest of the evening. Notice the never-ending cue of gentlemen waiting their turn to buy this “wild” lady a drink? The closest any dude’s coming to a threeway is splitting the tab with two of these guys.

These two are your best bet. Really? These two? Yes. And how did I determine that these ladies, out of all the women in the bar, are the ones willing to make a triple scoop sundae? Please. A kindergartener could do it.

Hint: How many glasses are on the bar?

And how many rings on the fingers?

Are we seeing a pattern here?

Yes. That’s right. These girls want to go to Tripoli so badly, they’re resorting to hieroglyphics. All they need is a tour guide.
I think you’re getting the idea. Keep your eyes open, gents – never let laziness take away your Threedom.

JUST VISITING!

2007-09-29T16:14:00.000-07:00

If you can stomach walking around dressed like someone’s dad, pretending to be a tourist in your own hometown is a great way to score chicks. All you need is a map, a fanny pack, and a brand new identity. I can’t help with the first two, but I can certainly help you create a believable back-story that promises to turn your waning local love life into a fiery, no-strings attached romp. Sorry! No time to stick around - you’ve got a flight to catch.

Hi, I’m (real first name) __________ (bird of prey) ___________. I’m from (compass direction) _________ (biblical locale) ___________, (Midwestern or rectangular state) ___________. Go fightin’ (woodland creatures) ____________! Yep, it’s a great place to grow up. Walking down Main Street at (time of day) _________, and dropping in at (3-letter male name) _____________’s for some homemade (diabetic dessert) __________, well it makes my eyes water and my tummy grumble just thinking about it, yes siree. From time to time I like to check in on ol’ Mrs. (tree species) _________, bless her heart, and her prize winning (color) __________ (vegetable) __________s. My high school sweetheart (flower type) ____________ and I used to neck up on (dangerous animal) _____________ (body of water) _________ Point. Thought we’d get married but the good Lord had other plans for her in the form of a (American sedan) __________ losing control ‘round (American president) ________’s Curve. After she passed, I took up (piece of furniture) ____________ whittling to ease the pain, but golly, I sure don’t meet many ladies in that line of work, 'specially not ones as pretty as you. Gosh, you’re prettier than a (barnyard animal) ___________ on a (season) _________ day glistening in the (celestial body) __________ shine.

TATTOOZLED

2007-09-24T22:06:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION BLOGOSPHERE:
Recently, my best friend Ted violated the “parachute clause” of the Wingman Code.* Normally, an infraction of this magnitude results in one or more of the accepted punishments:

* GUILLO-TIE
* DEATH BY BOONDA
* WINGMAN WINGS REVOKED
* GARNISHING OF WAGES
* WATERBOARDING
* BANISHMENT

* Installments of the “Wingman Code - Stinson Edition” to be furnished later

Instead, Fortuna levied her own, decidedly more permanent penalty:

Ted’s Tattoo, courtesy of karma

As a man who fuels his lamp of learning with the oils of others’ misfortune, let me expound the following maxim: DUDES SHOULDN’T GET TATTOOS.

But Barney, what about the millions of biker guys way bigger [waist-up] than you?

Good question, fictional reader. I’m not doubting the superhuman ability required to endure the physical pain, tawdry artwork, and accessorizing nightmares that dude tattoos require. I’m simply wondering if guys understand what their tattoos REALLY mean.

Therefore, I’m including a selection from my forthcoming coffee table book, Barney Stinson’s Field Guide to Tattoos. My noble hope with this volume is to show today’s gentlemen that there are safer, smarter and sexier ways to exfoliate.

BARNEY STINSON’S FIELD GUIDE TO TATTOOS

NAMES
“Hey, everybody, look at me! Not only have I made the foolish mistake of choosing a lifetime of monogamy, I have also permanently branded myself as off-limits.” Bravo.

TRIBAL BANDS
“Hey, everybody, look at me! This band looks like a scar of manhood that I earned when my village banished me to the hinterlands for seven days with no food or water, like in that Kevin Bacon basketball movie.” Nice try. That’s a bracelet.

DRAGONS
“Hey, everybody, look at me! I have a fearful dragon on my arm! Are you scared? Good, because this baby’s supposed to ward off intruders from my mom’s basement.”

CHINESE SYMBOLS
“Hey, everybody, look at me! I’m governed by an Eastern philosophy as these significant Cantonese and/or Mandarin characters chiseled into my flesh hopefully indicate. If I spoke or read this particular language, perhaps I could explain my perspective more clearly, but I guess you’ll just have to take the scary-looking tattoo artist’s word for it. I sure did.”

LETTERS ON KNUCKLES
“Hey, everybody, look at me! There’s an important message on my fingers. Of course, it has to be ten letters or less and you can only read it when I’m waterskiing or getting arrested, but still, it’s an important message.”

VISUAL AID? VISUAL LAID.

2007-05-15T00:17:00.000-07:00

I'm a visual learner. I learned to ride a bike watching E.T., learned to swim from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and learned about the birds and bees from my cousin's copy of Mouth Karate 3. But perhaps the best visual aids are numbers. Statistically speaking, numbers are correct 83 percent of the time, which makes them an invaluable tool (ahem) when trying to convince a newly single friend that he will once again get laid.

My best friend Ted recently secured a last-minute reprieve from the death row of monogamy. Fortuitously, I had the following charts and graphs prepared, printed, and mounted on foamcore in anticipation of this momentous day. Sure, heartbreak hurts. But a little cold, hard analysis reminds us that there are greener pastures ahead — pastures you get to have sex in.

BARNEY STINSON'S HOOK UP PERCENTAGES
[Hookup Chart image missing]

As you can clearly see in this bar graph, I enjoy a 300 percent increase in hook-up potential with Ted as wingman — he is, after all, my best friend. Almost as importantly, observe how Ted's numbers skyrocket when he quests with me. Like a remora feasting on scraps that fall from the jaws of a Great White, Ted revels in my hook-up trickle down effect, or the "cake in the wake" phenomenon.

PAST WINGMAN RUSES AND RELATIVE SUCCESS RATES
[Past Success Chart image missing]

Ted has proven himself time and time again to be a top-tier wingman; versatile enough to switch gears successfully between several classic techniques, yet not versatile enough to steal top pair from me. As this pie chart indicates, women have expressed a particular fondness for the business angle. Be it an agent/client celebrating a "closure" or international businessmen in town for "the conference," when a great suit and Ted's ratty blazer are introduced, the combination screams money and power while chicks scream our names…whatever they might be that particular evening.

Of course with Ted out of the pond for a year and a half, he is undoubtedly out of shape. I fully anticipate his foreign accents to have atrophied to Costnerian proportions, necessitating modifications to at least 17 percent of our repertoire. Personally, I'd like to introduce a dot-com billionaire angle as well as explore the Rain Man/caretaker-brother approach, and maybe something with animals...like a Patch Adams for dogs. Your suggestions are always welcome - barneystinson@yahoo.com

FORECASTED RATE FOR THE REST OF 2007
[Hotness Forecast Chart image missing]

The left axis represents the level of hotness for future hookups, following a traditional scale of 1-12, with 1 being a toothless, mulleted female con and a 12 being her daughter. As you can see, the numbers project a consistent bevy of quality fare for the Barnacle, while Ted (as represented by a hot pink square), after just five days of Stinsonian wingmanship, is able to limp out of the cellar and bag himself a 10…presumably one I've passed on for any number of reasons, including, but not limited to, pigeon toeness. At that rate, Ted will bring home a 15 in about a week — a practice I cannot support.

In conclusion, statistical analysis provides enormous insight, allowing gentlemen across the world to harness the power of numbers for good, not evil. As for Ted and I, regardless of how you break down the numbers, the future is bright…very bright indeed.

IT'S FOR THE BRIDE SCAVENGER HUNT

2007-05-08T00:13:00.000-07:00

Ah, weddings. Like death and taxes, it is an unfortunate inevitability that some of your friends will foolishly throw away their youth, their innocence, and their freedom for in an attempt to assimilate into the societal evil that is holy matrimony.

Sure, an open bar is always a treat and bridesmaid hunting is like shooting fish in a barrel, but the monotony of weddings gets old, real quick. Just because your friends have chosen a lifetime of suffering, why should you have to suffer for an entire day?

At my friends Marshall and Lily's wedding I stumbled upon an interesting phenomenon: when the bride needs something, you immediately get it. It got the old wheels spinning and I came up with the ultimate wedding time passer — "It's For the Bride Scavenger Hunt."

Below is a map of a typical wedding reception hall, and a list of items the "bride" needs.

A. Your mission starts in the garden. Normally it's THE place to bag a hot aunt or damaged bridesmaid out for a smoke, but not tonight, because the bride needs the gardener's hoe (heh).

B. Continue to the kitchen where the bride needs whipped cream from the caterer. Why? I have no idea. I'm just the messenger.

C. On your daughter's wedding day, you want nothing more than to make your little girl's dreams come true. And that is why your next stop is with the proud papa - the bride needs 20 dollars.

D. Bunny hop/electric slide/chicken dance over to the band. For some strange reason, the bride demands they play "When a Man Loves a Woman." And who are we to judge? It is her day, after all.

E. In the lobby, the videographer reloads one of his cameras. The bride desperately needs one of them and no, popping a few shots with the cheapo camera they've left at each table won't do. Of course, the videographer will argue — he's a professional, this is an expensive camera, he needs the bouquet toss for his reel, blah blah blah. Sir, the bride has spoken. Do you really want to spoil the happiest day of her life over a camera? I didn't think so.

F. Your mission ends in the coat room with the adorable coat check girl. She's feeling vulnerable because she's stuck in a closet during this glorious celebration of love. Lucky for her, you're there to comfort her. The band is rocking "When a Man Loves a Woman," you have a can of whipped cream, a private oasis, and a camera to document the entire experience. Plus you have 20 dollars in your pocket and two hoes. You, my friend, are a champion.

Thanks to Chrissy for finding the image!

THE PRICE IS ALWAYS RIGHT

2007-05-01T00:10:00.000-07:00

Recently, I made an appearance on the greatest television program of all time, "The Price is Right." Host Bob Barker proved himself to be a man of charm, charisma, and grace—in a word, Stinsonian. And since the game is clearly in my blood, I've decided to share with you my dream Showcase Showdown package.

(For optimum effect, please read the following in the voice of Rich Fields and think of Barker's beauties… That's also good advice for life in general.)

Your showcase is brought to the shores by famous explorer Christopher Columbus!

[Columbus image missing]

And Barney, what better way to explore the world than on your own private jet?! [MUSIC CUE: Jazzy muzak version of "Jet Airliner" - Steve Miller Band]

[Jet image missing]

You know what Columbus liked about sea travel? Absolutely nothing. So skip it and travel in style, on the AeroBarney. Storms? Scurvy? Pirates? Not at 45,000 feet, my handsome friend. Enjoy the on-board scotch bar, a world-class pornography library or just sit back, relax, and let our stewardesses, Nina, Pinta, or Maria (from what I hear, she's no saint), fire up the hot tub, because you're about to stumble upon…

The West Indies! [MUSIC CUE: Xylophone rendition of "D'yer Mak'er" - Led Zeppelin]

[West Indies image missing]

You'll stay in scenic downtown West Indy, right smack in the heart of the laser tag district. By day, have your pick from the finest fabrics, silks and cottons the lush Caribbean farmlands have to offer…By night, illuminate the skies with your very own, real-life laser, taking on competitors from around the world, drawn to the West Indies' burgeoning underground laser tag scene. No time to bask in the glow of your many victories, however, because you're taking your harvested crops and heading to…

Italy! [MUSIC CUE: Accordian muzak of "Roam" - B-52's]

[Genoa image missing]

You'll spend six nights and seven days touring Italy in your very own Rolls Royce. Ride in style with special guest chauffeur, world renowned tailor Frederico Battaglia. The "Maverick of the Fabric," Frederico will show you an Italy normally reserved for tailors and fashionistas. Watch and learn as the master spins your handpicked materials into custom made suits so majestic, even Queen Isabella herself would kneel before you…

Convenient, because the next stop on your world discovery tour is…

The Spanish Riviera! [MUSIC CUE: Distorted electric guitar version of "Spanish Caravan" - The Doors]

[Beach image missing]

Of course you look great in your brand new suits, but how about putting on your birthday suit? That's right Barney Stinson: it's your very own nude beach! Stay for a day, a month, or a year…It's all yours. Women from around the world will flock to enjoy the sights, sounds, and of course, the boobs.

All this can be yours Barney Stinson, if the Price is Right.

Have your own dream Showcase?

Email it to me at barneystinson@yahoo.com

THE BARNEY STINSON BACHELOR PARTY EXPERIENCE

2007-04-10T00:06:00.000-07:00

The bachelor party was invented by a man who, having lost too many brethren to the scourge of matrimony, solemnly vowed to never let another friend march down the aisle without at least a minor stripper limp. As a humble student of history, it is not only in my interest to continue the tradition, but it is my duty to build upon it. Therefore, a Barney Stinson bachelor party isn't merely a party—it's an experience.

But regardless of the level of awesomeness I might reach, there always remains one constant: the guests. As you plan your own bachelor gatherings and prepare to send a friend off to a lifetime of weight gain and errands, be sure to reference this chart and familiarize yourself with some of the more common suspects you can expect at your bachelor party.

Type of Person	Clothing	Type of Drink	Night Ends…	Sample Quote
Cliché Guy	A sweat suit featuring a college, fraternity, or sports team, and sadly, a tuft of chest hair.	Beer (domestic)	With several handprints across his face, seeking solace in the champagne room of a strip club.	"What's the difference between a marriage and a nutcracker? Nothing!"
Vanishing Guy	Doesn't matter what he started out wearing, it will end up tattered and/or stained.	Wildcard: Won't know until you finally track down his credit card the next day.	Either with a phone call from the police station or a message that says, "I'll meet you at the airport."	"I think I'm in love."
Groom	Loose slacks to hide the iron chains of marriage.	Apple martini: Keeping in line with his poor decision making.	Trying to convince himself that this is a good idea.	"I'm making a huge mistake."
Future Groom	Penny loafers, slacks, and an ugly sweater his fiancée knitted for him.	Water: She doesn't like when he drinks	Shamefully making kissy noises on the phone to his fiancée.	"I'm gonna call it early, boys."
The Best Man	A pin-striped, double breasted suit crafted from the finest in Italian fabric technology.	Scotch	A gentleman never tells… but probably having sex with multiple hotties.	"You're welcome for being the best best man ever."

STINSON'S INSTANT LOVE NEST - "STILN"

2007-03-20T23:57:00.000-07:00

Manhattan is an isle of wonder, an isle of merriment, and an isle brimming with some of the most gorgeous women in the world. Unfortunately, it is also an isle of congestion. And while any venue can prove a fruitful and fertile pick-up spot, the snail-like pace of traffic presents an unwelcome impediment to closing the deal.

Too many young women have been denied their wildest fantasies—struck down on their way to bliss by the bifurcated spear of inebriation and sleepiness. What can I say: Traffic's a bitch. But, as usual, I have devised a solution: Stinson's Instant Love Nest (STILN).

Light and portable, you can assemble your Love Nest nearly anywhere. Try it in the alley behind your favorite bar, on a rooftop, or in a doctor's waiting room. And never again worry about missing an opportunity to get to know someone a little better.

Thanks to Chrissy for finding the images!

LICENSE NOT TO DRIVE

2007-02-27T23:48:00.000-08:00

"My name is Barney Stinson and I don't know how to drive."

God that feels good to say. For years, I've been ashamed and embarrassed—handcuffed by this terrible secret from a society that demands we strap ourselves into mobile deathtraps one by one, the auto equivalent of a marriage contract. But recently, a near-death experience opened my eyes. No longer am I to be humiliated and disgraced. I am to be celebrated. My lack of vehicular knowledge shall be worn as a badge of honor—one that proudly screams, "I am Barney Stinson and I need a ride!"

Don't believe me? Well as usual, sit back and relax as I school you in the ways of the non-mobile. Below is a comparison of a typical day in my life vs. a typical day in the life of a driver—Frank. (Please note: Frank's kids were a result of a tryst in the backseat of what? His car.)

8:00 AM — I wake up, bid adieu to last night's conquest, and slip on my Dolce & Gabbana double—breasted. I step outside—the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, but I'm still a little sleepy. Lucky for me, all I have to do is hop in the backseat and enjoy not having to drive.	Frank's been up for hours— the kids are crying, his wife's corn-laden feet need massaging. He throws on his overalls and heads toward his sedan. It's pouring rain and he left the car window open.
10:00 AM — Having been stimulated by a delightful conversation with my morning chauffeur, Ranjit, I've spent the last hour making more money than I could possibly spend in my fantastic, happy, awesome life.	Frank just got to work— traffic was a nightmare. Plus, he had to stop and get gas and an oil change. Total cost $2500. He would like to ask his boss for a raise, but that's ludicrous—he just showed up to work over an hour late.
12:30 PM — I call it a day at work and grab a delightful lunch at a nearby café. The meal takes a bit too long, so in the middle of eating, I go feed the parking mete—oh, that's right, I don't have a parking meter to feed. Instead, I save the money and put it toward an afternoon indulging myself in a game of laser tag. I've earned it.	Frank sure is hungry—but no time for lunch. He's off to pick up a "friend" at the airport. On the way, he scarfs down a burger and ketchup spills all over him. When he looks down to clean it up, he runs a red light. He's pulled over. Total cost of the ticket: $650.
4:00 PM — Fired up from my unprecedented streak of laser tag wins, I leisurely stroll down the streets of Manhattan. I decide to take a nap. After all, my active lifestyle would leave any mortal man tired.	Frank just got to work. On the way back from the airport, his car broke down. When he gets to a garage, the mechanic gives him the diagnosis: His rotary belt got disconnected from the carburetor, the windshield wiper and gas pedal are malfunctioning and the headlights short-circuited the electrical system, cutting horsepower by tenfold. Total cost: $23,018.
9:00 PM — All eyes are on me as I hit MacLaren's. I look good; the fresh air I got strolling around New York was rejuvenating. Tonight is going to be another sweet night. I order a few rounds and enjoy… Why not, right? I'm not driving.	Frank stays late to catch up on all the work he missed. However, he parked his car in the wrong spot and it is towed. Having to miss more work, his boss fires him. On the way home, Frank drives over a nail and gets a flat tire. He pulls over to change it when a pack of wild dogs eat him.

So take that Lisa from 11th grade who wouldn't go out with me because I didn't have a license. Owning and operating your very own motor vehicle is rarely worth the time and effort.

I prefer to follow in the footsteps of some other famous non-drivers—Jesus Christ, George Washington and Miss Daisy—and enjoy life from the backseat.

THE BARNEY STINSON THEATRE EXPERIENCE

2007-02-20T23:44:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I'm an art enthusiast, a patron if you will. Personally, I've sponsored many a dancer and it's been so stimulating to watch them achieve such new and flexible heights.

Recently, I turned my creative energy toward proving that playwriting is a cinch: in fact, with the lights off, anything can be a great performance. So may I humbly present to you excerpted selections from the Barney Stinson Theatre Experience (Copyright, 2007).

Love always,
The Bardney

CURTAIN UP:
A handsome gentleman saunters onto the stage.

ME
Moist. Moist. Moist. Moist. Moist. Moist. Moist.

Repeat for forty minutes.

COSTUME CHANGE: ROBOT

ME (CONT'D)
Car factory. Lay off. Lost and alone. Oil change!
WD-40?

Robot walks stage right (or left). In a robot manner, pick up watering can. Pour some water in flower pot.

SPECIAL EFFECTS: Flowers sprout. Robot surprised! Robot smells the flower. More surprise. Improvise dance for 15 to 20 minutes.

ME (CONT'D)
Feelings. Inside. Oh no!

COSTUME CHANGE: NUDE

ME (CONT'D)
Insurance. Anatomy. Pharmaceutical sales.
Sculpture. The locksmith. The David.

Jumping jacks - 10 to 15, depending on the moment.

MUSIC CUE: Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes."

COSTUME CHANGE: JUDGE'S ROBES

ME (CONT'D)
I object! Sustained. Overruled. Counselor, where are you going with this? I'll allow it. I rule in favor of the plaintiff. You must give the defendant... one hug... of a bear variety!

COSTUME CHANGE: KING OF ENGLAND

ME (CONT'D)
Hear ye, hear ye! From this day forward, I do hereby declare, that the third Monday of every month shall be...

The King drops dead. LIGHT CUE: Shut off. CUE: Applause/adulation.

If you are interested in staging your own production of the BSTE, go ahead. Just send me the link to your video at barneystinson@yahoo.com. Theater is a living being and should be free to all.

UNCLE BARNEY’S MAIL SACK

2007-02-13T23:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Uncle Barney,

In the fall, I was cut from JV football. In the winter, I was cut from JV basketball. And now, in the spring, I’ll probably be cut from JV baseball. How will I ever get chicks if I’m not awesome at sports?

-Brian Kaufmann, Maryland

Dear Brian,

Have I failed you? Have I not made the path to awesomeness clear? Scoring a chick using athletic ability is like Michelangelo using a sledgehammer to carve the David. Sure, it can be done, but there are other tools that do the job better. (Yeah, you know what tool I mean.) But, since your mind is in the right place, I will reveal the secret to athletic success. Ready?

You just do them.

Sports are easy. I recently ran the New York City Marathon without even a day of training. Why? Because training the body is a waste of time. Why do something over and over when it only counts once? That’s like going on more than one date with someone.

Once you realize that so-called “athletic talent” is all in your mind, it becomes a simple matter of selecting the sport that maximizes your Chick Attractiveness Potential, or CAP. You think Johnny Third-String on the football team is going to get more chicks than Johnny World Champion Javeler? Javelier? Javelinist? One who throws a javelin. Individual sports are where it’s at.* Women are simple creatures: Too much movement makes it difficult for them to focus. Lend them a hand. Select a sport where the target is clear: You.

*notable exception: Laser Tag

Included below is a selection from my forthcoming self-help book, “I’m Gonna Teach You How to Live.” Good luck, Brian.

-The Barnacle

BARNEY’S GUIDE TO ATHLETICS

Running: Start running. Don’t stop.

Bowling: Roll heavy ball into pins. Wear funny shoes.

Long Jump: Jump. Long.

High Jump: Jump. High.

Bull Riding: Hold on. After 8 seconds, let go. Run. (See Above)

Jai Alai: Jai. Alai.

Speed Skating: Skate fast. Turn left.

Horse Racing: Sit on horse.

Rock Climbing: Find a rock. Climb it. Don’t fall.

Diving: Jump into water.

THE STINSON SUPER BOWL PARTY SPORTSBOOK

2007-02-05T23:26:00.000-08:00

For a gambling man, Super Bowl Sunday is just like Christmas, but with cheerleaders. Traditionally, one can bet on anything from the coin toss to the final score. But for the seasoned gambler, betting on mere sports is an insult to the glory and splendor of Super Bowl Sunday - the real challenge is betting on Super Bowl parties.

So like the Santa Claus of the Super Bowl, I'm sliding down your chimneys and into your La-Z- Boy recliners with my own Super Bowl Miracle: The Stinson Super Bowl Party Sportsbook. Included here are ten examples of bets you can make that will really liven up your own Super Bowl parties.

10 Things to Bet On At Your Own Super Bowl Party

Total number of trips to the bathroom
(monitored by toilet-flush count)

Number of Janet Jackson jokes attempted during halftime show

Number of economy-sized chip bags consumed
(side bet: Barbecue vs. Salt & Vinegar)

Total weight gain from kickoff to finish

Carpet spills

Number of John Mellencamp songs featured in commercials

Guest to seat ratio
(NOTE: The floor does not count as a seat)

In which quarter will you run out of cups?

Total number of "shhh's" during commercial breaks

Total beers consumed
(bottle count)

THE BARNABUS STINSON PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY

2007-01-23T23:11:00.000-08:00

As hopefuls begin campaigning for the 2008 presidential election, it occurs to me that I will most likely be called upon to serve as President at some point in my life. Short of advancing my national dress code platform, the single most important contribution I will offer the American people is the Barnabus Stinson Presidential Library, an interactive journey through the roller coaster of awesomeness that is Barney Stinson.

With the consultation of my best friend (a leading architect), I've compiled a few preliminary schematics for the library, which I've included here for you.

Front Elevation
View now.

Floor Plan
View now.

KEY TO THE BSPL FLOOR PLAN
A. The Barney
When you have a face and body that seems chiseled from marble, it is your duty to immortalize that image with actual marble. Unlike some other statues (looking your way, David), all my parts are actual Stinson size. Yeah, they are. Also, the marble will function like living tissue over a mechanized endoskeleton, allowing The Barney to high-five all visitors.

B. Busts
A collection of bronzed busts of influential women I've touched over the years.

C. Gift Shop
An upscale store offering visitors the opportunity take home non-communicable mementos to celebrate their time spent inside the Barnabus Stinson Presidential Library. Popular items will include framed copies of my Lemon Law, fine clothing and authorized replica neckties from the Stinson Administration Collection, and for the kids, the Barney Stinson Doll, an interactive action figure/learning tool designed to teach children the art of Suiting Up.

D. Lily's Painting
An early portrait of me that captures the full Barney, minus the Barnabus Maximus, which the painter was clearly so in awe of that she couldn't capture it believably. Notice the face: the youthful optimism, the proud jaw, the come-hither stare that seems to scream, "I'm Barney Stinson, President of the United States and this bedroom."

E. Storm Trooper
No presidential library is complete without a storm trooper.

F. The Tie Wing
A sampling of some of the ties I've worn throughout my life. Just as the tie makes the suit, so too does this wing make my library. Popular relics include my first tie, the paisley number I wore on the night I lost my virginity, and the MVP championship tie my laser tag team got me in celebration of my advanced tactical play.

G. The Library
An astoundingly thorough collection of documents, papers and other written materials that detail the story of my life from conception to non-conceptions. Highlights include, but are not limited to, leather-bound editions of my zines and blogs, a wide-ranging assortment of letters I've written to extricate myself from various females' bedrooms, and, of course, an early draft of my as-yet-unpublished children's book, Barney Stinson's Alphabet Soup.

POPPING YOUR BIG APPLE

2007-01-09T23:05:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the greatest city on the planet. Undoubtedly, you'll want to make your first time in New York a memorable and enjoyable experience. I've experienced many, many first timers-many--so I'm a natural choice to be your guide. Here is a handy pocket guide to help make your first time in New York a success.

SUBWAY
Your first time on the subway can be risky business, but it's well worth the $2 fare. The same amount of enjoyable, work-free shaking would cost you well over $6 in your average motel massage bed. But exercise caution: touching the third rail can lead to a premature end of your first-time experience.

BROADWAY SHOW
Ah, the Great White Way. The lights, the sounds, the dark, hidden crevices of age-old theaters. Musicals tend to be better for first-timers than, say, one-woman shows. Singing and tap dancing provide the perfect cover for you and your partner to hit your own high notes. But remember, don't try to sneak backstage your first time.

UNITED NATIONS
New York is the capital of the world, and you'll certainly want to taste her international flavors. While it's great to exercise your diplomatic skills with people from around the world, be sure to wrap yourself in your nation's flag for protection. You don't want your first foreign experience to be your last. No need to worry about communication barriers; the language of love is universal.

MUSEUM OF MODERN ART
New York is renowned both for its modernity and its art. Combine the two and visit the world-famous MOMA. There, first timers can create their own modern-art masterpieces. Several lucky ladies have credited yours truly with inspiring their own "artistic" awakenings. Be wary of the security staff and remember: flash photography is permitted, but be sure to ask before you touch anything.

TAKE TWO AWESOMES AND DON'T CALL ME IN THE MORNING

2006-12-12T23:03:00.000-08:00

I've never been sick a day in my life. How is that, you ask, given my considerably communicable extracurricular activities? Answer: Awesomeness.

I combat the cold and flu season by injecting heavy doses of Awesome into my bloodstream. Special power. NASA's run tests. Passed them all. Flying colors.

Of course, not everyone shares my ability to fight infection through superior genetics, which is why I'm offering a few hints that can help you safely and naturally increase your BAC (Blood Awesome Count) as you encounter the seasonal symptoms.

Sore Throat

Hot tea and a lozenge? That's JV. Slip on a 100 percent Italian silk tie instead. The pain is just your throat demanding an accessory.

Fever

You may be tempted to put on a comfy pair of sweats and go to bed. DO NOT DO THIS. First, no one reading this should own such a garment. Second, sweats imply acceptance. You fight fire with fire: Suit Up!

Aches

Men don't ache.

Chills

Studies have shown the best way to fight cold is with body heat. If you've even glanced at this blog before, you're well enough equipped to target and acquire a choice cutlet to warm you up. Heh. "Well equipped." Cough

A cough is the sound of your lungs high-fiving. They're celebrating your awesomeness. Join in! Light a Cuban, pour a cocktail, and imagine a world without children.

Alone, or in combination, these remedies far surpass the prescriptions of yesteryear. Remember, "over the counter" is just something they left out of the Kama Sutra.

Feel free to send me your own cold remedies; sometimes laughter is the best medicine. barneystinson@yahoo.com

Now if you'll excuse me, Dr. Stinson has several lucky patients awaiting their physicals.

STINSON V. STINSON

2006-11-28T22:56:00.000-08:00

If there's one person in this world I trust to dispense advice to all my loyal Barnacles out there, it's my brother, James. Now, I know what you're thinking: Barney has a brother? How can two Stinsons coexist without catastrophically and violently crossing the streams? Well, as Stinson luck would have it, James is gay. Crisis averted. And while we naturally agree on many issues, we sometimes conflict over some key divisive issues.

Below is the reprinted version of a live chat session in which we matched Stinson wits on three questions from loyal blog-readers. If you don't have the time to read, well, the results are no surprise: I won. Easily.

READER: We all know gay guys dress better. What's up with that?

JAMES: It is true that gay guys inherently dress better than straight guys. You might say it's in the "jeans," if you're utterly fashion retarded. I'll tell you why we dress better: necessity. Since "gay-dar" unfortunately doesn't exist, we have to rely on our strong sense of style to weed out breeders when out on the town. Sandals and socks? Have fun with the ladies. Armani pinstripe two-button suit with neatly pressed slacks? I'll see you on the dance floor.

BARNEY: If I can interject for a moment, a) while many gay guys dress better than many straight guys, I wouldn't say that's true in all cases. James, I would expect you of all people to be sensitive to sweeping generalizations and stereotypes. To say I'm disappointed would be an understatement. And b) two buttons? Are you trying to pick somebody up or christening a yacht? Two buttons? James. Please.

JAMES: Barney, que the F? You asked me to answer some reader questions.

BARNEY: Oh, I'm not entitled to my own opinions on my own blog?

JAMES: Not when they're clearly wrong. The fact that you'd opt for three buttons over two only reiterates my point: Gay dudes dress better than straight dudes.

BARNEY: Agree to disagree.

READER: How do you stay in such great shape?

BARNEY: Stinson men are blessed with an aggressively high metabolism. We work out when we sleep. That's not what you want to hear, but I cannot tell a lie.

JAMES: And what's laser tag, a stroll through the park? And what about yoga? You told me you were taking yoga classes.

BARNEY: Nope.

JAMES: Yes! You texted me a haiku just last week: "Going to Yoga, Hot chicks, tight clothing, Flexibility."

BARNEY: I'm not taking yoga class, I'm taking from yoga class. Why sit through an hour of painful, sexless stretching in some stinky room when I can simply sit outside and pick off some veritable gymnast as she's leaving? It's like window shopping, but not as taxing.

JAMES: Genius.

READER: What is your favorite pick-up spot?

BARNEY: Other than directly outside a yoga class?

JAMES: Please. As Barney will no doubt corroborate, any place you're at can very easily become a hot pick-up spot. That being said, I find the easiest place to meet men is in a gay club. When I'm feeling lazy, that is. All I have to do is walk in and smile, and I'm pretty much guaranteed to go home with somebody.

BARNEY: I do corroborate. Any place you're at can very easily become a hot pick-up spot. That being said, I find the easiest place to meet women is in a gay club. There are always groups of unsuspecting straight women who've let their guard down, expecting a fun night of dancing in an environment free from roaming gentlemen. And that's where Barney comes in. Either way, James, I'm surprised at you.

JAMES: But you just agreed with me!

BARNEY: Yes and no. Picking up straight women at a gay club requires finesse and dedication. Yes, it's easy, but I still don't get to just walk in and smile.

JAMES: But you wish you could. How jealous are you that I got all the good looks?

BARNEY: That's all the time we have. See you next week.

SUNKEN TREASURE

2006-11-21T22:52:00.000-08:00

This has been quite a week. I've learned not one, but two earth-shattering lessons:

Finding out an embarrassing secret about a friend is great, but it pales in comparison to finding out an embarrassing secret about a friend with audio/visual proof.

While this blog and our old trusty friend, pornography, are two great things the Internet has to offer, they may not be the best.
Ladies and gentleman, I humbly present...

"Let's Go to the Mall" by Robin Sparkles, aka my friend, Robin Scherbatsky.

BARNEY'S GUIDE TO GAMBLING

2006-11-14T22:34:00.000-08:00

It's not gambling when you know you're going to win, and if you play long enough, eventually you will win. That's a fact. Learned it from a friend who OWNS a casino.

Here's my guide to successful gambling. I can't give away all my secrets, but I'll offer you a tip for each of the most popular casino games.

DRINKING
When the cocktail waitress delivers your drink, quickly order your next one.

POKER
Hold out for the wild card.

BLACKJACK
Always assume the dealer has blackjack, and double-down on everything.

ROULETTE
Find a table that's hit black five times in a row and bet on red. It's like flipping a coin: Heads five times in a row? What are the chances it's heads again on the next flip? Best bet in the casino.

SLOTS
Heh. Slots.

CRAPS
Observe the game for awhile, since it can be confusing. When you're ready, throw some chips around, clap, and shout, "Yo!" Somebody will throw chips right back at you.

XING HAI SHI BU XING
The girl in the red dress has the jelly bean.

DEALERS
Always seek out the hottest dealers. If you play your cards right, it's cheaper than an actual date and--bonus--since they wear nametags, you don't have to remember her name.

CASINO WAR
Always take the high ground, stay out of central Asia, and control the seas.

ATM
Easiest money in the house; that's why there's always a line. Bet on "checking account."

SWARLEY'S BLOG

2006-11-07T10:57:00.000-08:00

ALERT: the following is not an official blog entry for BARNEY'S Blog. Until my technical team figures out how to remove this affront from BARNEYsblog.com, please replace all "Swarley" references with "BARNEY." Swarley isn't even a real name. And it's not funny. I think I know funny, and this isn't… so, you know, just stop.

Dear Readers,

I have an important announcement to make: I'm changing my name to Swarley. I chose this legendary name because it's awe--wait for it--some.

S is for suits. Suit up!
W is for What Would Swarley Do? Anything with boobs.
A is for "Awesome," which is what my best friends Ted and Marshall are.
R is what a pirate says. Happy, Marshall?
L is for "L Swarley," my Mexican counterpart.
E is for "Everybody call me Swarley from now on because that is my name."
Y is for "Y not check out SWARLEY.COM"

Swarley out!

HUNTIN' COUG

2006-10-24T11:33:00.000-07:00

Time and time again, I find hitting the bars in search of young females simply too effortless…albeit enjoyable. I'm a seasoned fisherman whose use of wit and charm as bait and chum yields more than enough bounty for my hook. Yet, occasionally I feel the need for challenge, for sport. Like a much younger, much more handsome, and much more awesomer Captain Ahab, I find myself consumed by my desire to hunt a more perilous species. Also, I'm not a fictional character. But unlike the hapless Ahab, I have no interest in whales, in any sense of the word. My game of choice? The most dangerous prey of all: the elusive cougar.

A cougar is an attractive, sex-crazed, middle-aged woman, usually found prowling airport bars and smoky pool halls in search of nubile flesh. Look around you: most likely there's one training her eyes on you right now. She's a predator, a vicious carnivore looking to feed before continuing on her ferocious way, and that's the most beautiful part of the majestic cougar: her unflagging desire to move on after a mauling. Clearly, this is an advanced species.

Make no mistake about it: a cougar hunts you. But a seasoned cougar hunter knows how to play this to his advantage. Bagging a cougar is one of the most enjoyable sporting feats a young man can accomplish, but is rife with peril and dangers untold. Below is my overview of the great beast. Use it. Here's to safe and happy cougar hunting.

SOME POPULAR COUGAR DENS
Maddy's Sail Loft, Marblehead, MA
Westcustogo Inn, Yarmouth, ME
Darwin's, Syracuse, NY
Dempsey's, East Meadow, NY
The Fox and Hound, Cleveland, OH

A. Nails: Long, manicured, and often painted fire-engine red. The cougar keeps her nails sharp enough to ensnare her prey. In the bedroom, she uses these claws for enjoyable, yet tissue-scarring, back-scratching.

B. Skin: Cougars are notorious for keeping their pelts soft and inviting. You might believe you're cuddling a cub before realizing you're actually stroking the coat of a ferocious womanimal.

C. Tail: A cougar will use her tail to attract prey, often flaunting it with a perfectly timed cell phone or key drop. She shakes her tail in a cunning fashion to distract you from her wrinkly eyes and thinning hair.

D. Legs: Shapely and attractive, a cougar's legs are one of her most desirable, yet dangerous, weapons. She uses her muscular legs in the bedroom to choke the life out of you, then the next day uses those same glorious limbs to reach the pedals on her minivan as she drives away. It's God's design.

E. Face: A cougar masks her face with makeup and other facial products in an effort to camouflage the ill effects of aging. The eyes, beautiful and hidden under a heavy coat of mascara, dart around the room, scoping her habitat for suitable, unsuspecting fare. The ears twitch with each sound, on alert for the rustling of a leaf or the chuckle of a younger man.