Monday, October 29, 2007

TED MOSBY, SEX ARCHITECT

As many of you know, I have been hard at work (pun intended) on my highly anticipated adult film script, “Ted Mosby, Sex Architect.” For the better part of a week now, I’ve been furiously banging out the following body of work (again, pun intended). I’ve completed both the opening scene as well as the climax (heh), and Act Two still needs some fleshing out (I’m on fire!), but once I figure out how to work my way to the end—the central dilemma in any adult film—I’m confident that I’ve got a magnum opus on my hands (…guilty).

Naturally, I couldn’t complete this without my beloved blog readership, so I’m calling for suggestions or sample artwork for the DVD box of “Ted Mosby, Sex Architect.”

NOTE: They must be PG; no graphic images allowed! Kids might watch this thing.

Barneystinson@yahoo.com


Monday, October 22, 2007

THE HOT / CRAZY SCALE

The theory of evolution alleges that humans evolved from monkeys. If we accept this “theory,” then we must also accept that over the course of millions of years, women have become more attractive, less hairy and infinitely crazier.

The problem is certain women’s increase in physical attractiveness has been disproportional to their increase in psychosis. Luckily for us, a chart exists where we can see just how out of balance the ratio between your hotness and craziness has become - knowledge that can prove to be invaluable over the course of your daily life.

Now, you know how hot you are. But you probably have no idea how crazy you are – a major contributing factor to the problem. That’s where the great Professor Barnabus Stinson comes to the rescue. Be honest and rate your hotness from 1-10. Then, take the following simple quiz I’ve designed to see where you fall on the hot/crazy scale.


1. You’re walking down the street and see Matt Damon. You:

a: Gawk from afar and let him pass unbothered.
b: Run up to him and beg to have his babies.
c: Stab him with a pen.

2. You’re driving on the freeway and someone cuts you off. You:

a: Take a deep breath, count to ten, and do a random act of kindness.
b: Hold down your horn and scream obscenities.
c: Stab him with his own broken windshield wiper.

3. You see a kitten stuck in a tree. You:

a: Call the fire department and wait for professional help.
b: Climb up and rescue it, then take it home to join the 125 other cats you currently care for.
c: Stab it with a tree branch.

4. You’re on a date with a fellow and it’s not going well. You:

a: Explain to him you’re just not compatible and offer to split the check.
b: Start a small fire in the ladies’ bathroom thus evacuating the restaurant and ending your date.
c: Finish your decadent five-course dinner, then stab him with a lobster claw.

5. Your boss makes a pass at you. You:

a: Report it to human resources.
b: Go for it, then blackmail him for the rest of his natural life.
c: Stab him with his tie.

6. The barista screws up your double skim, half café, no sugar added caramel macchiato. You:

a: Drink whatever she gives you, so as to not create a scene.
b: Throw the scalding hot beverage into the barista’s face.
c: Stab her with a coffee cup.

7. It’s Christmas, a time of giving, charity, and joy. One of the Salvation Army Santa’s won’t stop ringing the bell in front of your apartment. You:

a: Thank him for doing the Lord’s work and give generously.
b: Tar and feather him from your fifth floor balcony.
c: Stab him with his bell, then steal his bucket.

8. Your grandparents are in town visiting. You:

a: Happily show them around town taking extra special care of them.
b: Berate them for the measly 12 bucks they gave you on last year’s birthday.
c: Stab them with their dentures.

9. You find a wallet in the middle of the street. You:

a: Locate the wallet’s owner and return it as found.
b: Steal the person’s identity and live as them.
c: Locate the wallet’s owner and stab them with their license.

10. Your boyfriend proposes. You:

a: Tearfully admit that you’re already married but not opposed to polygamy.
b: You say, “Honestly, we’ve had a lot of great times together but I just don’t see a future between us” thus breaking his heart… then you pick up the pieces of said broken heart, and stab him with it.
c: Say, “Yes, yes, a million times yes!”

To find your “Crazy” rating, give yourself 0 points for every A response, 1 point for every B, and 2 points for every C. Take that total and divide by two. You now have your crazy number.

Now, using your self-assigned hot number, find your position on the Stinson Hot/ Crazy scale. Remember, you want to find yourself located on the hot side, not the crazy side. If the results are not to your liking, please adjust your appearance or personality accordingly.

Monday, October 15, 2007

SEXPLORATION

In the early 1500s, an explorer by the name of Ferdinand Magellan set sail to become the first man to circumnavigate the globe. Ultimately, he failed miserably, ending up on the wrong end of a lethal arrow and most probably an uncomfortable bout with syphilis. However, Magellan’s voyage did provide important geographical information in the form of a plethora of maps and graphs, thus paving the way for future worldwide expansion. Five hundred years later, another man with similar intestinal fortitude stands before you, ready to share his extensive knowledge of the previously unknown. A man who also feels no nook should go uncharted, no cranny left uncultivated, and no crevice unexplored.

Yes, it is I, Barney Stinson, who carries the torch from the great explorers of yesteryear, providing these detailed maps and charts from my own extensive travels. Below are some sample maps of my latest expedition. We’ll call her Stacey.


1. Neckopotamia: Explorers often overlook this seemingly insignificant piece of real estate, but don’t be fooled. The region is a virtual treasure trove that, if mined correctly, could open the gateway to lucrative and more rewarding exploration further south.

2. East Hipsylvania: East Hipsylvania is essential to any worthwhile explorer because of its prime location just west of Barneyland, with a plentiful bounty of natural resources to boot. Surrounded by rolling hills and lush valleys, I found settlements there to be both thriving and prosperous.


3. Mammary Peaks: Treacherous but rewarding, the peaks offer some of the most breathtaking views I’ve ever seen. The epicenter of Stacey, this terrific mountain range must be scaled and conquered before you can raise your flag.

4. Midriff Plains: These extensive flatlands are perfect for grazing and serve as the ultimate base camp. The experienced frontiersman knows that all expeditions should start from the plains, and in times of danger, I found the meadows to offer comfort, shelter and security.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

THREE-WAY

When entering a location, it’s crucial for a gentleman to immediately assess all potential three-ways, preferably within 30 seconds. You just have to know what to look for. To help you practice, I have provided illustrations of three common situations you may encounter at the local watering hole. A typical greenhorn might rush to judge and bark up the wrong tree, so take your time. Look closely.


Torso articulated forward, indicating interest. CHECK. Hair play. CHECK. Non-essential skin-on-skin contact. CHECK. It’s a three-way waiting to happen, right?


WRONG!
If you want to pop the tent on your own three ring circus, you need to hone your powers of perception. A blind puppy can see that Subject A is not caressing her friend’s hair in affection; rather, she is removing an errant piece of onion ring.


Okay, but what about the hand holding? That’s as clear a sign as you can get. If they so much as look at you, you’ll be unearthing triceratops fossils all night long, right?
WRONG!
She’s examining her best friend’s shiny new engagement ring.
Three-way potential: 0.00001%


What about these two?
This one’s in the bag. All that’s missing are several yards of beer, the promise of a foam party, and some chick serving test tube shots and blowing a whistle in your ear and these two will have successfully imported San Padre Island to your favorite bar. FACT: Wet tshirts, like pillow fights and sleepovers, increase female-to-female attraction by a factor of 83 units. It’s only a matter of time before you’ll be exploring the Tri- State Area with these sassy lasses, right?


WRONG!
Really, it’s like we’re not even looking at the same picture. Our subject pours water over herself in what looks like wild Sapphic abandon, but wrench your eyes away from the main attraction and you’ll discover the reason for this public shower: a stain on her brand new, expensive blouse. The only thing on her mind the rest of the night will be how to surgically re-attach the price-tag to exchange her top.


Speaking of exchanging her top, surely her friend with the beads is ready to go, right?
Don’t call me Shirley.
The beads are part of an elaborate sting… a carefully choreographed ruse designed to score free drinks the rest of the evening. Notice the never-ending cue of gentlemen waiting their turn to buy this “wild” lady a drink? The closest any dude’s coming to a threeway is splitting the tab with two of these guys.


These two are your best bet. Really? These two? Yes. And how did I determine that these ladies, out of all the women in the bar, are the ones willing to make a triple scoop sundae? Please. A kindergartener could do it.


Hint: How many glasses are on the bar?


And how many rings on the fingers?


Are we seeing a pattern here?


Yes. That’s right. These girls want to go to Tripoli so badly, they’re resorting to hieroglyphics. All they need is a tour guide.
I think you’re getting the idea. Keep your eyes open, gents – never let laziness take away your Threedom.