Tuesday, May 15, 2007

VISUAL AID? VISUAL LAID.

I'm a visual learner. I learned to ride a bike watching E.T., learned to swim from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and learned about the birds and bees from my cousin's copy of Mouth Karate 3. But perhaps the best visual aids are numbers. Statistically speaking, numbers are correct 83 percent of the time, which makes them an invaluable tool (ahem) when trying to convince a newly single friend that he will once again get laid.

My best friend Ted recently secured a last-minute reprieve from the death row of monogamy. Fortuitously, I had the following charts and graphs prepared, printed, and mounted on foamcore in anticipation of this momentous day. Sure, heartbreak hurts. But a little cold, hard analysis reminds us that there are greener pastures ahead — pastures you get to have sex in.

BARNEY STINSON'S HOOK UP PERCENTAGES
[Hookup Chart image missing]

As you can clearly see in this bar graph, I enjoy a 300 percent increase in hook-up potential with Ted as wingman — he is, after all, my best friend. Almost as importantly, observe how Ted's numbers skyrocket when he quests with me. Like a remora feasting on scraps that fall from the jaws of a Great White, Ted revels in my hook-up trickle down effect, or the "cake in the wake" phenomenon.

PAST WINGMAN RUSES AND RELATIVE SUCCESS RATES
[Past Success Chart image missing]

Ted has proven himself time and time again to be a top-tier wingman; versatile enough to switch gears successfully between several classic techniques, yet not versatile enough to steal top pair from me. As this pie chart indicates, women have expressed a particular fondness for the business angle. Be it an agent/client celebrating a "closure" or international businessmen in town for "the conference," when a great suit and Ted's ratty blazer are introduced, the combination screams money and power while chicks scream our names…whatever they might be that particular evening.

Of course with Ted out of the pond for a year and a half, he is undoubtedly out of shape. I fully anticipate his foreign accents to have atrophied to Costnerian proportions, necessitating modifications to at least 17 percent of our repertoire. Personally, I'd like to introduce a dot-com billionaire angle as well as explore the Rain Man/caretaker-brother approach, and maybe something with animals...like a Patch Adams for dogs. Your suggestions are always welcome - barneystinson@yahoo.com

FORECASTED RATE FOR THE REST OF 2007
[Hotness Forecast Chart image missing]

The left axis represents the level of hotness for future hookups, following a traditional scale of 1-12, with 1 being a toothless, mulleted female con and a 12 being her daughter. As you can see, the numbers project a consistent bevy of quality fare for the Barnacle, while Ted (as represented by a hot pink square), after just five days of Stinsonian wingmanship, is able to limp out of the cellar and bag himself a 10…presumably one I've passed on for any number of reasons, including, but not limited to, pigeon toeness. At that rate, Ted will bring home a 15 in about a week — a practice I cannot support.

In conclusion, statistical analysis provides enormous insight, allowing gentlemen across the world to harness the power of numbers for good, not evil. As for Ted and I, regardless of how you break down the numbers, the future is bright…very bright indeed.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

IT'S FOR THE BRIDE SCAVENGER HUNT

Ah, weddings. Like death and taxes, it is an unfortunate inevitability that some of your friends will foolishly throw away their youth, their innocence, and their freedom for in an attempt to assimilate into the societal evil that is holy matrimony.

Sure, an open bar is always a treat and bridesmaid hunting is like shooting fish in a barrel, but the monotony of weddings gets old, real quick. Just because your friends have chosen a lifetime of suffering, why should you have to suffer for an entire day?

At my friends Marshall and Lily's wedding I stumbled upon an interesting phenomenon: when the bride needs something, you immediately get it. It got the old wheels spinning and I came up with the ultimate wedding time passer — "It's For the Bride Scavenger Hunt."

Below is a map of a typical wedding reception hall, and a list of items the "bride" needs.



A. Your mission starts in the garden. Normally it's THE place to bag a hot aunt or damaged bridesmaid out for a smoke, but not tonight, because the bride needs the gardener's hoe (heh).

B. Continue to the kitchen where the bride needs whipped cream from the caterer. Why? I have no idea. I'm just the messenger.

C. On your daughter's wedding day, you want nothing more than to make your little girl's dreams come true. And that is why your next stop is with the proud papa - the bride needs 20 dollars.

D. Bunny hop/electric slide/chicken dance over to the band. For some strange reason, the bride demands they play "When a Man Loves a Woman." And who are we to judge? It is her day, after all.

E. In the lobby, the videographer reloads one of his cameras. The bride desperately needs one of them and no, popping a few shots with the cheapo camera they've left at each table won't do. Of course, the videographer will argue — he's a professional, this is an expensive camera, he needs the bouquet toss for his reel, blah blah blah. Sir, the bride has spoken. Do you really want to spoil the happiest day of her life over a camera? I didn't think so.

F. Your mission ends in the coat room with the adorable coat check girl. She's feeling vulnerable because she's stuck in a closet during this glorious celebration of love. Lucky for her, you're there to comfort her. The band is rocking "When a Man Loves a Woman," you have a can of whipped cream, a private oasis, and a camera to document the entire experience. Plus you have 20 dollars in your pocket and two hoes. You, my friend, are a champion.


Thanks to Chrissy for finding the image!

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

THE PRICE IS ALWAYS RIGHT

Recently, I made an appearance on the greatest television program of all time, "The Price is Right." Host Bob Barker proved himself to be a man of charm, charisma, and grace—in a word, Stinsonian. And since the game is clearly in my blood, I've decided to share with you my dream Showcase Showdown package.

(For optimum effect, please read the following in the voice of Rich Fields and think of Barker's beauties… That's also good advice for life in general.)

Your showcase is brought to the shores by famous explorer Christopher Columbus!

[Columbus image missing]

And Barney, what better way to explore the world than on your own private jet?! [MUSIC CUE: Jazzy muzak version of "Jet Airliner" - Steve Miller Band]

[Jet image missing]

You know what Columbus liked about sea travel? Absolutely nothing. So skip it and travel in style, on the AeroBarney. Storms? Scurvy? Pirates? Not at 45,000 feet, my handsome friend. Enjoy the on-board scotch bar, a world-class pornography library or just sit back, relax, and let our stewardesses, Nina, Pinta, or Maria (from what I hear, she's no saint), fire up the hot tub, because you're about to stumble upon…

The West Indies! [MUSIC CUE: Xylophone rendition of "D'yer Mak'er" - Led Zeppelin]

[West Indies image missing]

You'll stay in scenic downtown West Indy, right smack in the heart of the laser tag district. By day, have your pick from the finest fabrics, silks and cottons the lush Caribbean farmlands have to offer…By night, illuminate the skies with your very own, real-life laser, taking on competitors from around the world, drawn to the West Indies' burgeoning underground laser tag scene. No time to bask in the glow of your many victories, however, because you're taking your harvested crops and heading to…

Italy! [MUSIC CUE: Accordian muzak of "Roam" - B-52's]

[Genoa image missing]

You'll spend six nights and seven days touring Italy in your very own Rolls Royce. Ride in style with special guest chauffeur, world renowned tailor Frederico Battaglia. The "Maverick of the Fabric," Frederico will show you an Italy normally reserved for tailors and fashionistas. Watch and learn as the master spins your handpicked materials into custom made suits so majestic, even Queen Isabella herself would kneel before you…

Convenient, because the next stop on your world discovery tour is…

The Spanish Riviera! [MUSIC CUE: Distorted electric guitar version of "Spanish Caravan" - The Doors]

[Beach image missing]

Of course you look great in your brand new suits, but how about putting on your birthday suit? That's right Barney Stinson: it's your very own nude beach! Stay for a day, a month, or a year…It's all yours. Women from around the world will flock to enjoy the sights, sounds, and of course, the boobs.

All this can be yours Barney Stinson, if the Price is Right.

Have your own dream Showcase?

Email it to me at barneystinson@yahoo.com