Tuesday, April 10, 2007

THE BARNEY STINSON BACHELOR PARTY EXPERIENCE

The bachelor party was invented by a man who, having lost too many brethren to the scourge of matrimony, solemnly vowed to never let another friend march down the aisle without at least a minor stripper limp. As a humble student of history, it is not only in my interest to continue the tradition, but it is my duty to build upon it. Therefore, a Barney Stinson bachelor party isn't merely a party—it's an experience.

But regardless of the level of awesomeness I might reach, there always remains one constant: the guests. As you plan your own bachelor gatherings and prepare to send a friend off to a lifetime of weight gain and errands, be sure to reference this chart and familiarize yourself with some of the more common suspects you can expect at your bachelor party.

Type of PersonClothing
Type of DrinkNight Ends…Sample Quote
Cliché GuyA sweat suit featuring a college, fraternity, or sports team, and sadly, a tuft of chest hair.Beer (domestic)With several handprints across his face, seeking solace in the champagne room of a strip club."What's the difference between a marriage and a nutcracker? Nothing!"
Vanishing GuyDoesn't matter what he started out wearing, it will end up tattered and/or stained.Wildcard: Won't know until you finally track down his credit card the next day.Either with a phone call from the police station or a message that says, "I'll meet you at the airport.""I think I'm in love."
GroomLoose slacks to hide the iron chains of marriage.Apple martini: Keeping in line with his poor decision making.Trying to convince himself that this is a good idea."I'm making a huge mistake."
Future GroomPenny loafers, slacks, and an ugly sweater his fiancée knitted for him.Water: She doesn't like when he drinksShamefully making kissy noises on the phone to his fiancée."I'm gonna call it early, boys."
The Best ManA pin-striped, double breasted suit crafted from the finest in Italian fabric technology.ScotchA gentleman never tells… but probably having sex with multiple hotties."You're welcome for being the best best man ever."