Tuesday, January 23, 2007


As hopefuls begin campaigning for the 2008 presidential election, it occurs to me that I will most likely be called upon to serve as President at some point in my life. Short of advancing my national dress code platform, the single most important contribution I will offer the American people is the Barnabus Stinson Presidential Library, an interactive journey through the roller coaster of awesomeness that is Barney Stinson.

With the consultation of my best friend (a leading architect), I've compiled a few preliminary schematics for the library, which I've included here for you.

Front Elevation
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Floor Plan
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A. The Barney
When you have a face and body that seems chiseled from marble, it is your duty to immortalize that image with actual marble. Unlike some other statues (looking your way, David), all my parts are actual Stinson size. Yeah, they are. Also, the marble will function like living tissue over a mechanized endoskeleton, allowing The Barney to high-five all visitors.

B. Busts
A collection of bronzed busts of influential women I've touched over the years.

C. Gift Shop
An upscale store offering visitors the opportunity take home non-communicable mementos to celebrate their time spent inside the Barnabus Stinson Presidential Library. Popular items will include framed copies of my Lemon Law, fine clothing and authorized replica neckties from the Stinson Administration Collection, and for the kids, the Barney Stinson Doll, an interactive action figure/learning tool designed to teach children the art of Suiting Up.

D. Lily's Painting
An early portrait of me that captures the full Barney, minus the Barnabus Maximus, which the painter was clearly so in awe of that she couldn't capture it believably. Notice the face: the youthful optimism, the proud jaw, the come-hither stare that seems to scream, "I'm Barney Stinson, President of the United States and this bedroom."

E. Storm Trooper
No presidential library is complete without a storm trooper.

F. The Tie Wing
A sampling of some of the ties I've worn throughout my life. Just as the tie makes the suit, so too does this wing make my library. Popular relics include my first tie, the paisley number I wore on the night I lost my virginity, and the MVP championship tie my laser tag team got me in celebration of my advanced tactical play.

G. The Library
An astoundingly thorough collection of documents, papers and other written materials that detail the story of my life from conception to non-conceptions. Highlights include, but are not limited to, leather-bound editions of my zines and blogs, a wide-ranging assortment of letters I've written to extricate myself from various females' bedrooms, and, of course, an early draft of my as-yet-unpublished children's book, Barney Stinson's Alphabet Soup.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007


Welcome to the greatest city on the planet. Undoubtedly, you'll want to make your first time in New York a memorable and enjoyable experience. I've experienced many, many first timers-many--so I'm a natural choice to be your guide. Here is a handy pocket guide to help make your first time in New York a success.

Your first time on the subway can be risky business, but it's well worth the $2 fare. The same amount of enjoyable, work-free shaking would cost you well over $6 in your average motel massage bed. But exercise caution: touching the third rail can lead to a premature end of your first-time experience.

Ah, the Great White Way. The lights, the sounds, the dark, hidden crevices of age-old theaters. Musicals tend to be better for first-timers than, say, one-woman shows. Singing and tap dancing provide the perfect cover for you and your partner to hit your own high notes. But remember, don't try to sneak backstage your first time.

New York is the capital of the world, and you'll certainly want to taste her international flavors. While it's great to exercise your diplomatic skills with people from around the world, be sure to wrap yourself in your nation's flag for protection. You don't want your first foreign experience to be your last. No need to worry about communication barriers; the language of love is universal.

New York is renowned both for its modernity and its art. Combine the two and visit the world-famous MOMA. There, first timers can create their own modern-art masterpieces. Several lucky ladies have credited yours truly with inspiring their own "artistic" awakenings. Be wary of the security staff and remember: flash photography is permitted, but be sure to ask before you touch anything.