Monday, September 24, 2007

TATTOOZLED

ATTENTION BLOGOSPHERE:
Recently, my best friend Ted violated the “parachute clause” of the Wingman Code.* Normally, an infraction of this magnitude results in one or more of the accepted punishments:

* GUILLO-TIE
* DEATH BY BOONDA
* WINGMAN WINGS REVOKED
* GARNISHING OF WAGES
* WATERBOARDING
* BANISHMENT

* Installments of the “Wingman Code - Stinson Edition” to be furnished later

Instead, Fortuna levied her own, decidedly more permanent penalty:


Ted’s Tattoo, courtesy of karma

As a man who fuels his lamp of learning with the oils of others’ misfortune, let me expound the following maxim: DUDES SHOULDN’T GET TATTOOS.

But Barney, what about the millions of biker guys way bigger [waist-up] than you?

Good question, fictional reader. I’m not doubting the superhuman ability required to endure the physical pain, tawdry artwork, and accessorizing nightmares that dude tattoos require. I’m simply wondering if guys understand what their tattoos REALLY mean.

Therefore, I’m including a selection from my forthcoming coffee table book, Barney Stinson’s Field Guide to Tattoos. My noble hope with this volume is to show today’s gentlemen that there are safer, smarter and sexier ways to exfoliate.


BARNEY STINSON’S FIELD GUIDE TO TATTOOS

NAMES
“Hey, everybody, look at me! Not only have I made the foolish mistake of choosing a lifetime of monogamy, I have also permanently branded myself as off-limits.” Bravo.


TRIBAL BANDS
“Hey, everybody, look at me! This band looks like a scar of manhood that I earned when my village banished me to the hinterlands for seven days with no food or water, like in that Kevin Bacon basketball movie.” Nice try. That’s a bracelet.


DRAGONS
“Hey, everybody, look at me! I have a fearful dragon on my arm! Are you scared? Good, because this baby’s supposed to ward off intruders from my mom’s basement.”


CHINESE SYMBOLS
“Hey, everybody, look at me! I’m governed by an Eastern philosophy as these significant Cantonese and/or Mandarin characters chiseled into my flesh hopefully indicate. If I spoke or read this particular language, perhaps I could explain my perspective more clearly, but I guess you’ll just have to take the scary-looking tattoo artist’s word for it. I sure did.”


LETTERS ON KNUCKLES
“Hey, everybody, look at me! There’s an important message on my fingers. Of course, it has to be ten letters or less and you can only read it when I’m waterskiing or getting arrested, but still, it’s an important message.”