Tuesday, May 8, 2007


Ah, weddings. Like death and taxes, it is an unfortunate inevitability that some of your friends will foolishly throw away their youth, their innocence, and their freedom for in an attempt to assimilate into the societal evil that is holy matrimony.

Sure, an open bar is always a treat and bridesmaid hunting is like shooting fish in a barrel, but the monotony of weddings gets old, real quick. Just because your friends have chosen a lifetime of suffering, why should you have to suffer for an entire day?

At my friends Marshall and Lily's wedding I stumbled upon an interesting phenomenon: when the bride needs something, you immediately get it. It got the old wheels spinning and I came up with the ultimate wedding time passer — "It's For the Bride Scavenger Hunt."

Below is a map of a typical wedding reception hall, and a list of items the "bride" needs.

A. Your mission starts in the garden. Normally it's THE place to bag a hot aunt or damaged bridesmaid out for a smoke, but not tonight, because the bride needs the gardener's hoe (heh).

B. Continue to the kitchen where the bride needs whipped cream from the caterer. Why? I have no idea. I'm just the messenger.

C. On your daughter's wedding day, you want nothing more than to make your little girl's dreams come true. And that is why your next stop is with the proud papa - the bride needs 20 dollars.

D. Bunny hop/electric slide/chicken dance over to the band. For some strange reason, the bride demands they play "When a Man Loves a Woman." And who are we to judge? It is her day, after all.

E. In the lobby, the videographer reloads one of his cameras. The bride desperately needs one of them and no, popping a few shots with the cheapo camera they've left at each table won't do. Of course, the videographer will argue — he's a professional, this is an expensive camera, he needs the bouquet toss for his reel, blah blah blah. Sir, the bride has spoken. Do you really want to spoil the happiest day of her life over a camera? I didn't think so.

F. Your mission ends in the coat room with the adorable coat check girl. She's feeling vulnerable because she's stuck in a closet during this glorious celebration of love. Lucky for her, you're there to comfort her. The band is rocking "When a Man Loves a Woman," you have a can of whipped cream, a private oasis, and a camera to document the entire experience. Plus you have 20 dollars in your pocket and two hoes. You, my friend, are a champion.

Thanks to Chrissy for finding the image!