Tuesday, November 28, 2006

STINSON V. STINSON

If there's one person in this world I trust to dispense advice to all my loyal Barnacles out there, it's my brother, James. Now, I know what you're thinking: Barney has a brother? How can two Stinsons coexist without catastrophically and violently crossing the streams? Well, as Stinson luck would have it, James is gay. Crisis averted. And while we naturally agree on many issues, we sometimes conflict over some key divisive issues.

Below is the reprinted version of a live chat session in which we matched Stinson wits on three questions from loyal blog-readers. If you don't have the time to read, well, the results are no surprise: I won. Easily.

READER: We all know gay guys dress better. What's up with that?

JAMES: It is true that gay guys inherently dress better than straight guys. You might say it's in the "jeans," if you're utterly fashion retarded. I'll tell you why we dress better: necessity. Since "gay-dar" unfortunately doesn't exist, we have to rely on our strong sense of style to weed out breeders when out on the town. Sandals and socks? Have fun with the ladies. Armani pinstripe two-button suit with neatly pressed slacks? I'll see you on the dance floor.

BARNEY: If I can interject for a moment, a) while many gay guys dress better than many straight guys, I wouldn't say that's true in all cases. James, I would expect you of all people to be sensitive to sweeping generalizations and stereotypes. To say I'm disappointed would be an understatement. And b) two buttons? Are you trying to pick somebody up or christening a yacht? Two buttons? James. Please.

JAMES: Barney, que the F? You asked me to answer some reader questions.

BARNEY: Oh, I'm not entitled to my own opinions on my own blog?

JAMES: Not when they're clearly wrong. The fact that you'd opt for three buttons over two only reiterates my point: Gay dudes dress better than straight dudes.

BARNEY: Agree to disagree.

READER: How do you stay in such great shape?

BARNEY: Stinson men are blessed with an aggressively high metabolism. We work out when we sleep. That's not what you want to hear, but I cannot tell a lie.

JAMES: And what's laser tag, a stroll through the park? And what about yoga? You told me you were taking yoga classes.

BARNEY: Nope.

JAMES: Yes! You texted me a haiku just last week: "Going to Yoga, Hot chicks, tight clothing, Flexibility."

BARNEY: I'm not taking yoga class, I'm taking from yoga class. Why sit through an hour of painful, sexless stretching in some stinky room when I can simply sit outside and pick off some veritable gymnast as she's leaving? It's like window shopping, but not as taxing.

JAMES: Genius.

READER: What is your favorite pick-up spot?

BARNEY: Other than directly outside a yoga class?

JAMES: Please. As Barney will no doubt corroborate, any place you're at can very easily become a hot pick-up spot. That being said, I find the easiest place to meet men is in a gay club. When I'm feeling lazy, that is. All I have to do is walk in and smile, and I'm pretty much guaranteed to go home with somebody.

BARNEY: I do corroborate. Any place you're at can very easily become a hot pick-up spot. That being said, I find the easiest place to meet women is in a gay club. There are always groups of unsuspecting straight women who've let their guard down, expecting a fun night of dancing in an environment free from roaming gentlemen. And that's where Barney comes in. Either way, James, I'm surprised at you.

JAMES: But you just agreed with me!

BARNEY: Yes and no. Picking up straight women at a gay club requires finesse and dedication. Yes, it's easy, but I still don't get to just walk in and smile.

JAMES: But you wish you could. How jealous are you that I got all the good looks?

BARNEY: That's all the time we have. See you next week.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

SUNKEN TREASURE

This has been quite a week. I've learned not one, but two earth-shattering lessons:

  1. Finding out an embarrassing secret about a friend is great, but it pales in comparison to finding out an embarrassing secret about a friend with audio/visual proof.

  2. While this blog and our old trusty friend, pornography, are two great things the Internet has to offer, they may not be the best.
    Ladies and gentleman, I humbly present...


"Let's Go to the Mall" by Robin Sparkles, aka my friend, Robin Scherbatsky.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

BARNEY'S GUIDE TO GAMBLING

It's not gambling when you know you're going to win, and if you play long enough, eventually you will win. That's a fact. Learned it from a friend who OWNS a casino.

Here's my guide to successful gambling. I can't give away all my secrets, but I'll offer you a tip for each of the most popular casino games.

DRINKING
When the cocktail waitress delivers your drink, quickly order your next one.

POKER
Hold out for the wild card.

BLACKJACK
Always assume the dealer has blackjack, and double-down on everything.

ROULETTE
Find a table that's hit black five times in a row and bet on red. It's like flipping a coin: Heads five times in a row? What are the chances it's heads again on the next flip? Best bet in the casino.

SLOTS
Heh. Slots.

CRAPS
Observe the game for awhile, since it can be confusing. When you're ready, throw some chips around, clap, and shout, "Yo!" Somebody will throw chips right back at you.

XING HAI SHI BU XING
The girl in the red dress has the jelly bean.

DEALERS
Always seek out the hottest dealers. If you play your cards right, it's cheaper than an actual date and--bonus--since they wear nametags, you don't have to remember her name.

CASINO WAR
Always take the high ground, stay out of central Asia, and control the seas.

ATM
Easiest money in the house; that's why there's always a line. Bet on "checking account."

Tuesday, November 7, 2006

SWARLEY'S BLOG

ALERT: the following is not an official blog entry for BARNEY'S Blog. Until my technical team figures out how to remove this affront from BARNEYsblog.com, please replace all "Swarley" references with "BARNEY." Swarley isn't even a real name. And it's not funny. I think I know funny, and this isn't… so, you know, just stop.

Dear Readers,

I have an important announcement to make: I'm changing my name to Swarley. I chose this legendary name because it's awe--wait for it--some.

S is for suits. Suit up!
W is for What Would Swarley Do? Anything with boobs.
A is for "Awesome," which is what my best friends Ted and Marshall are.
R is what a pirate says. Happy, Marshall?
L is for "L Swarley," my Mexican counterpart.
E is for "Everybody call me Swarley from now on because that is my name."
Y is for "Y not check out SWARLEY.COM"

Swarley out!