Tuesday, October 24, 2006

HUNTIN' COUG

Time and time again, I find hitting the bars in search of young females simply too effortless…albeit enjoyable. I'm a seasoned fisherman whose use of wit and charm as bait and chum yields more than enough bounty for my hook. Yet, occasionally I feel the need for challenge, for sport. Like a much younger, much more handsome, and much more awesomer Captain Ahab, I find myself consumed by my desire to hunt a more perilous species. Also, I'm not a fictional character. But unlike the hapless Ahab, I have no interest in whales, in any sense of the word. My game of choice? The most dangerous prey of all: the elusive cougar.

A cougar is an attractive, sex-crazed, middle-aged woman, usually found prowling airport bars and smoky pool halls in search of nubile flesh. Look around you: most likely there's one training her eyes on you right now. She's a predator, a vicious carnivore looking to feed before continuing on her ferocious way, and that's the most beautiful part of the majestic cougar: her unflagging desire to move on after a mauling. Clearly, this is an advanced species.

Make no mistake about it: a cougar hunts you. But a seasoned cougar hunter knows how to play this to his advantage. Bagging a cougar is one of the most enjoyable sporting feats a young man can accomplish, but is rife with peril and dangers untold. Below is my overview of the great beast. Use it. Here's to safe and happy cougar hunting.

SOME POPULAR COUGAR DENS
Maddy's Sail Loft, Marblehead, MA
Westcustogo Inn, Yarmouth, ME
Darwin's, Syracuse, NY
Dempsey's, East Meadow, NY
The Fox and Hound, Cleveland, OH



A. Nails: Long, manicured, and often painted fire-engine red. The cougar keeps her nails sharp enough to ensnare her prey. In the bedroom, she uses these claws for enjoyable, yet tissue-scarring, back-scratching.

B. Skin: Cougars are notorious for keeping their pelts soft and inviting. You might believe you're cuddling a cub before realizing you're actually stroking the coat of a ferocious womanimal.

C. Tail: A cougar will use her tail to attract prey, often flaunting it with a perfectly timed cell phone or key drop. She shakes her tail in a cunning fashion to distract you from her wrinkly eyes and thinning hair.

D. Legs: Shapely and attractive, a cougar's legs are one of her most desirable, yet dangerous, weapons. She uses her muscular legs in the bedroom to choke the life out of you, then the next day uses those same glorious limbs to reach the pedals on her minivan as she drives away. It's God's design.

E. Face: A cougar masks her face with makeup and other facial products in an effort to camouflage the ill effects of aging. The eyes, beautiful and hidden under a heavy coat of mascara, dart around the room, scoping her habitat for suitable, unsuspecting fare. The ears twitch with each sound, on alert for the rustling of a leaf or the chuckle of a younger man.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

THE AMAZING MORNING-AFTER SYSTEM®

How many times has this happened to you?

You rise from majestic slumber only to discover last night's quarry sharing your sheets. You got her in, got it on, and now you have to get her out. Easier said than done.

Hello. I'm Barney Stinson. If you're like me, you've encountered this problem thousands of times, often several times on the weekend. It's okay to admit it: you're scared of "the talk." Fear no more, friends. I'm proud to introduce Barney Stinson's Amazing Morning-After System® (patent pending).

You've tried it all: cold silence, televised football, fake blood; still, those chicklings keep on nesting. Well, gentlemen, look no further. In just a few short weeks, and for a few short hundred dollars, I'll turn your awkward morning-after cuddle sessions into guilt-free self-cuddle sessions.

You'll learn such rudimentary gambits as
THE CHALK OUTLINE
A little police tape and a body shape curiously like hers can expedite an extradition.

MORN' PORN
Watch it. You don't have to like it; you have to love it. Plus, you can keep watching when she leaves. You don't even have to "get up."

FIRE!
Smoke machine. Get one. If you don't see results, upgrade to police-issue tear gas. She'll be crying anyway, so why not offer her a head start?

ANIMAL SACRIFICE
Let's face it: girls like animals. Undoubtedly, you've already discovered the make and model of her childhood pet while enduring conversation. Apply your knowledge by standing over her with a knife and a "replicanimal." (Set of 20 plastic, hypoallergenic replicanimals of every stripe included in the ADVANCED Morning-After System®.)

FAKE WIFE
The "Fife," aka the "Barney Fife," is an instant classic. Have your Fife primed and ready to go the night before: she'll need a call time and some angry patter. Strippers/escorts make excellent Fifes as they often work for reduced rates in the morning and consider themselves actresses anyway. Or, you can always conscript a desperate female friend.

WARNING: In the hands of amateurs, these ruses will backfire, stranding you in a relationship, kicking sand in your own eyes, day after sexless day. Man up, try the Barney Stinson Morning-After-System® and Make last night go away forever… today®.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

OCCUPATION STIMULATION

Fingering through my mail sack, I stumbled upon the following from blog-reader Coby:

I need advice. I teach, and for some reason chicks don't dig it. I teach blind kids. Chicks don't dig it. I need a job, a woman and a suit. Help me, Barney Wan. You're my only hope.

If you're dropping Star Wars references in emails to strangers, then I AM your only hope. That said, Coby, you're in luck: you don't need to change your job; just embrace it. Like my best friend Ted, you're sitting on a veritable ass-mine with your bro-fession. I would rank "Blind-Kid Teacher" slightly above "Architect" and only slightly below "Muscular Ice Cream Maven" as far as attractive jobs go. In fact, your occupational tractor beam is so powerful, I'll bet even your students can see it.

The key to unlocking the power of any vocation is in the presentation. You must first select a receptive target, and then judiciously leak (heh) some hints about your job. Don't worry, if you don't have a naturally attractive job like Coby's bleeding-heart gig, or an irresistibly magnetic occupation such as my own, you can simply adopt a new persona. Below is a chart of a few vocations you can try on your bro-ings out. Just this weekend, I played "architect" to great effect.


EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES

JOBTARGET
SAMPLE LINENOTES
Schoolteacher
  • Anyone with a weakness for children
  • Librarians
  • "And all this time I thought I was teaching THEM…"Caution: you may bag a strict disciplinarian
    --exceptional or horrible, depending on personal preference.
    Former Athlete
  • Sporty spices
  • Girls wearing a sports jersey/bra
  • Tall chicks
  • "I was a swimmer, then. Actually, I was headed for gold in Barcelona, but I pulled my groin doing the breast stroke. Still, I'm completely hairless and aerodynamic."Be sensible, i.e. if you don't look like a football player, don't claim to be one. Make sure you know which team she's rooting for. A misspoken phrase could be the difference between the penalty box and no box at all.
    Firefighter
  • Any girl
  • Any time
  • Any place
  • "People ask me, 'How can you devote your life to a profession so dangerous, solely to benefit others?' To them I ask, 'How can I not?'"Seriously, you really have to try to screw this one up. Everyone loves a fireman. Even dudes.
    Artist
  • Hippies
  • Repressed businesswomen
  • Impressionable co-eds
  • "Some call my work postmodern. But I think my art--really all art, for that matter--is…universal."Know a little something about art, then claim you don't want to get typecast.

    Tuesday, October 3, 2006

    RACK-JACK ALERT

    I no longer have any respect for my elders. This weekend, Ted's father violated Wingman Code 1.1: Never rack-jack* your wingman. Like a balding vulture, Mr. Mosby swooped in to feast upon the mutilated innards of the peppy waitress I tirelessly hunted throughout the evening. But that's okay - he's statistically way closer to death than I am and - wait - he just got a little closer.

    Rack Jack · (rak-jak)(Latin) v. To steal a wingman's quarry. Often times with malicious, pre-meditated intent.


    B S U Here's what an advanced degree will get you: poorer and not laid. Too many people waste precious time and energy on graduate studies, becoming an expert in some useless field like "Museum Studies," "Architecture," or "Medicine." I believe it was Confucious who once said:

    He who knows great deal about some useless field like "Museum Studies," "Architecture," or "Medicine," is fool.

    Once again, our ancient Chinese friend is correct. It's far better and more efficient to understand snippets from various subjects than to limit yourself to the complete mastery of one. Think about it: would you want to wake up next to the same person everyday for the rest of your life? No.

    If you don't believe me, take Indiana Jones. Normally the closest an archaeology professor gets to a woman is digging up her 8,000 year old skeleton. But Indiana Jones got a living, breathing woman to write "I love you" on her eyelids. How? Because he also knew how to crack a whip.

    With that in mind, I suggest you enroll online at Barney Stinson University(awaiting accreditation.) The following are some suggested courses for your freshman year.

    SUGGESTED COURSES OF STUDY

    MUSICOLOGY - Even one song on one instrument can go a long way (SEE the band Right Said Fred). I've memorized the first 16 bars of a Mozart sonata, and women in at least 16 bars have memorized me.

    MAGIC 101 - A simple magic trick can amaze even the coldest new acquaintance. Advanced classes will learn to vacate bedrooms, relationships, and other seemingly inescapable environments undetected.

    GYMNASTICS - Students put the "nastics" in "gymnastics," competing in hand-to-hand/body-to-body combat drills. Course only offered to female students.

    HOME ECONOMICS - A groundbreaking class shattering the cultural myth that sewing and other simple homemaker tasks are solely feminine. Using only the finest Moroccan weaves, students will design and tailor their own double-breasted, three button blazers and matching suit pants.

    GENETIC BIOLOGY - In this laboratory class, students will investigate the science of heredity through first-hand data. Students will examine hospital records, estate photographs, and last but not least, video-documentary detailing a family's coupling history. Satisfies audio-visual requirement.

    Again, these are just the suggested courses. If you have any questions regarding other courses of study or have a name/design for BSU's official mascot, please send your design to our provost's email: barneystinson@yahoo.com