Tuesday, September 26, 2006

CHICKS X 2

Captain Ahab chased an elusive white whale. Dan Marino, the Superbowl. What's my personal Everest? Identical twins. Identical twins.

While I've enjoyed the company of siblings, fraternal twins and even - courtesy of a misleading online photo - conjoined twins, I've never taken a dip in the monozygotic gene pool that produces 2/3rds of my own holy trinity - identical twins.

Surprisingly, until the age of 16, I found doppelgangers to be creepy, unnatural and, let's face it, redundant. But all of that changed one crisp, fall evening in the early 90s…

While fast-forwarding through commercials on my Baywatch tape, I noticed a spot for Wrigley's Doublemint chewing gum. It featured two IDENTICAL women in bikinis, inserting sticks of gum in their mouth at the same time. That day, a boy Barney became a man Barney. As advertised, Wrigley's had indeed doubled my pleasure, doubled my fun.

This past weekend I inched closer to "nirvana in stereo" with a spicy doublet from NYU, only to be thwarted by Marshall's own, red-headed Everest - Marshall's ex-girlfriend.

I promise you this, dear readers: One day I will double my pleasure. One day I will double my pleasure. Also, feel free to send your twin pictures to me: barneystinson@yahoo.com

FUN FACTS ABOUT TWINS

10 FAMOUS TWINS… OR 20, I GUESS
The Olsen Twins (duh)
Romulus and Remus
Nick Nolte and Gary Busey
Breasts
Luke and Leia
Tomax and Xamot
Kirby Puckett
The Barbie Twins
Zan and Jayna
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito

WHERE DO TWINS COME FROM?
Contrary to popular belief, twins do not come from accidentally getting water on a newborn, but from science. Roughly one fertilized egg - or "zygote" - out of every 150 divides to form two separate embryos. Gross.

WHO SHOULD HAVE AN IDENTICAL TWIN?
Me
Hot Chicks

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

BARNEYPALOOZA 2006

My friend Marshall* spent the entire summer depressed over some girl. Short of political activism or teaching, I can't imagine a more unproductive way to spend your time. Marshall sat on the couch for three months wondering whether this one girl - out of 3 billion tasty cupcakes the world over - was going to call him or not. I could've answered that question on the first day: Who cares?

Ted, meanwhile, was also depressed. And by depressed, I mean in a committed monogamous relationship. I'm a good friend and when my buddies are down, I do what any true friend would do - I give them space. In this case, 2742 miles of space.

I took some time this summer to explore the towering peaks and lush valleys found outside Manhattan and took my awesomeness on tour. Perhaps you caught my act? If you caught anything else, my apologies.

*I say "friend" though it should be noted that I'm his best friend. Marshall, however, is not my best friend. As of this blog entry, my best friend is Ted. It should be duly noted that I'm Ted's best friend as well.

"Barneypalooza - American Tour 2006"

PENNSYLVANIA: I managed to get "mine" in Allentown when husbands dug for coal all day.

OHIO: Ohio both begins and ends with "O." What up?

NEBRASKA: Participated in a corn husking festival…as the corn.

KANSAS: Topographers call this state the flattest in the Union. I beg to differ.

OREGON: State animal is the noble beaver, and that's a fact.

TEXAS: There's more than one type of star in the Lone Star State.

FLORIDA: Golden Girls.

NORTH CAROLINA: Chicks there are smokin'…menthol lights.

VIRGINIA: Old slogan: Virginia is for Lovers. New slogan: Virginia is for Acrobatic Lovers.

DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA: Erected my own monument all over our nation's capital.

For those of you who "participated" in my "tour" and would like something more permanent to commemorate the occasion, I am proud to offer this 100% cotton, high quality t-shirt. Email orders only, don't call. barneystinson@yahoo.com