Monday, April 24, 2006

DIVERSIFYING YOUR ONLINE PORTFOLIO

If you’re an amateur social scientist like me, you’ve noticed a subtle and troubling decline in hotties at your usual pick-up nodes. DO NOT BE ALARMED! STOP EMAILING ME ABOUT IT! They’ve simply switched venues, preferring to cast their cleavage at millions of strangers on the internet rather than at you and your cohorts.

At times like these we must remember a gender studies maxim: Women are, if nothing else, cunning. With more and more women turning tail to various online dating platforms, it is the wise man who can alter his approach, tailor his game, and ultimately take back the night. As Charles Darwin sagaciously states in his first sentence of The Origin of Species: “When chicks adapt, so too must you, if you wanna get laid.”

In this two-part investigation of online dating, we’ll first weigh the pros and cons of online poaching. In our next installment, I’ll lay down the dos and don’ts as you construct your own online portfolio(s).

PROS AND CONS OF ONLINE DATING

PROS
  • Attempt multiple approaches on the same target via multiple portfolios

  • Obviates need for wingman, allowing you to taste plumper waters without fear of ridicule

  • Able to surf through many more potential bunnies than at one pick-up location

  • Women more emboldened to approach you

  • Can vet cutlets online for marital history, prison record(s), hints of female activism

  • Include your own soundtrack on profile to help others get psyched

  • Can send out offerings to numerous candidates in just one night, even while on other dates

  • CONS
  • Must remember assorted passwords / alter egos

  • Without fear of ridicule, strong temptation to taste plumper waters

  • Must click through many pictures for one revealing body-shape, leading to potential wrist injury

  • ALL TYPES of women more emboldened to approach you

  • Google search may uncover her college lit mag or ill-advised blog, numbing sexual attraction

  • Must listen to others’ crappy music just to look at their pictures

  • Very difficult to ensure candidates are drunk when they receive said offers

  • Obviously, the pros outweigh the cons. Next week: Crafting a winning portfolio.

    Monday, April 10, 2006

    TOO TALL FOR MY BRITCHES

    It would seem I spoke too soon regarding the benefits / feasibility of dating a chick taller than oneself. To the readers who've already procured for themselves a taller-than-average drink of water, I can only say that barneysblog.com cannot be held responsible for the difficulties you have surely encountered. In short, don't believe everything you read on the Internet.

    For those of you who have not yet started down the path of tallness, here are a few of the perils of this less-than-ideal liaison.

    1. TRACKING SKILLS: Apparently, the taller-than-you chick's unique stature allows her to constantly locate and ogle other potential mates, like a periscope in a sea of dudes. No matter where you are, be you seated or be you standing, she will be constantly looking right over your head, almost as if she were not that captivated by your rakish charms. Now, please bear in mind this is not your fault. It could and does happen to everyone. The girl is merely behaving in accordance with the length of her neck.

    2. FORGETFULNESS: Apparently, the mental duress of coordinating so many inches of tall chick body leaves very little brainpower left over for remembering things. Things like which bar a gentleman may have suggested a tall chick meet him at, or where she put his business card when he gave it to her. It seems even minor things like unreturned voicemail can slip a tall girl's mind many times a day. I guess they're just too tall to pick up a phone and call you back.

    3. INHUMANITY: Apparently, taller-than-you chick's narrow but lengthy ribcage is supported, in part, by the vacuum created by the absence of a human heart. It makes sense, if you think about it. No human heart would be strong enough to pump blood all the way to the ends of her freakishly long extremities. This lack of a heart makes it impossible for taller-than-you chick to experience normal, human emotions, which makes her oddly unsympathetic to a partner's needs and desires, and immune to lines and moves that would make a normal, shorter-than-you woman melt. Trust me, it's not even worth it.
    In conclusion, dating a chick that is taller than you is not, as previously supposed, all that possible. And, really, it's her loss. We weren't even that interested in taller-than-you chick to begin with. For one thing, she would be terrible at Laser Tag. She couldn't hide behind anything.

    I therefore annul Taller-Than-You-Chick's recent victory in the 2006 NHCA Women's Hotness Championship, anointing as replacement co-winners High School Lacrosse Champion and Recently Released Female Convict. Brackets, schmackets. Those are two ladies who understand what true hotness is all about.

    Wednesday, April 5, 2006

    THE AIR UP THERE



    Congratulations, Taller-than-you Chick! You've won the 2006 NHCA Championship, which makes this officially the year of the tall chick... fashion models, professional basketball players, Scandinavians and Zimbabweans languish in obscurity no longer. After years of being relegated to the sidelines, never getting a second date, you are finally a hot commodity. Kudos.

    I will now address my gentleman readers. I know what you're thinking: "I could never date a chick taller than myself. She's too clumsy. She's not aerodynamic. If there are no other points of reference and it's just the two of us standing there, people will think I'm really short. Like, even a mailbox would be helpful. Or how about a street sign?" True, but also false. You don't need to be taller than your date, that's backwards thinking. You just need to fool everyone else into believing that you are.

    Courtesy of a generous, federally-funded research grant, I've devised an intricate system for subtly jacking yourself up to her stature.

    1. SECURE HIGH GROUND: Scout date locations ahead of time, identifying the tallest things to stand on, like a curb or a desk. If necessary, conceal apple boxes and raked platforms in strategic places. Behind a couch is always a good one. This eliminates the need for yesteryear's demeaning platform shoes.

    2. FORCE A NEW PERSPECTIVE: Always try to walk in front of and slightly below your date, from an onlooker's viewpoint. This will make you appear to be walking side by side and at roughly the same height. Most likely, her gait is longer than yours, so pick up the pace. Also, whenever possible, gift her with oversized props and accessories to make her appear more diminutive from afar. In the same vein, you could walk a very small dog.

    3. WEAR A TOP HAT. Think about it.
    And… that's it. This is sort of an ongoing project. Oh, if you guys can think of any others, or ways this relates to hydrogen-powered cars, please email me at barneystinson@yahoo.com. I need to present this in Washington next week. Thanks.