Wednesday, March 29, 2006

ROAD TO MY PANTS

Unsurprisingly and not upsettingly, March Hotness was pushed back when I realized the venue, My Pants, had been double-booked with an Airline Stewardess Convention. Needless to say, My Pants honored its prior commitment to hosting these forty-six highly professional ladies and hopes they will consider convening in My Pants again should the need ever arise. (Mine certainly did.)



March Hotness resumed, with a vengeance, twelve to thirty minutes later. In an upset victory, Distant But Hot Cousin trounced Freshly-Eighteen-Year-Old Girl with her been-around-the-block attitude and clever snark about various Distant Aunts and Uncles.

Taller-Than-You Chick defeated Mute Chick in a blowout, as her inability to talk dirty ruined all role-playing scenarios except Silent Film, which is fun, but gets old.

In addition to not being that hot, Funny Chick was surprisingly prudish. You'd think she would have tried harder, but she ceded an easy and self-deprecating victory to Grieving Widow, who really did seem to just want to feel alive again.

The Librarian won a default victory to the Island Native, who turned out to be from Queens.

Against my better judgment, I had to award the match to Cheerleader over first-seeded Lebanese Girl, although I still hold that Lebanese Cheerleader would be a force to be reckoned with. Maybe next year.

Porn Star made a strong showing early in the match, successfully not ordering any pizza and yet gamely enjoying a hot slice anyway, but her hotness level plummeted when Alien Chick sucked her tiny brain out of her ear. Bad move, Porn Star.

Catholic Schoolgirl couldn't keep up with Farmer's Daughter, who had many of the same repressed-but-wild-inside qualities but was both stronger and more cardiovascularly fit.

Finally, in the most hotly-anticipated round of this year, High School Lacrosse Champion and Recently Released Female Convict found themselves well-matched…extremely well-matched, as each fell victim to the other's bi-curious charms. They're on a cruise right now, somewhere, exploring these new and confusing emotions and, one can only hope, getting it all on camera. Fortunately for the fans, Airline Stewardess was more than ready to step in and fill the vacant Cliché Chicks slot. Trust me, she's more than up to the challenge.

SEMI-FINAL CHICK MATCH-UPS
Help me "fill in my brackets" by voting for the hotter chicks in these match-ups.

OBVIOUS CHICKS

  • Cheerleader

  • VS.
  • Alien Chick


  • CLICHÉ CHICKS

  • Farmer's Daughter

  • VS.
  • Airline Stewardess


  • TABOO CHICKS

  • Distant But Hot Cousin

  • VS.
  • Taller-Than-You-Chick


  • EASY CHICKS

  • Grieving Widow

  • VS.
  • Librarian
  • Wednesday, March 22, 2006

    SWEET SIXTEEN

    Each year, 348 hot chicks vie for the title of "Hottest Chick," and every year I pit them against each other in the greatest cat fight of them all, March Hotness.

    Last year we crowned Porn Star the hottest chick, but after a rough season full of hard knocks, she enters the fracas as just a 2 seed.



    REGIONAL CHICK MATCH-UPS

    Help me "fill in my brackets" by voting for the hotter chicks in these match-ups.

    OBVIOUS CHICKS

  • Cheerleader
    Be aggressive. B-E aggressive. B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E.

  • VS.
  • Lebanese Girl
    ‘Nuff said.


  • Porn Star
    You can’t improve on a classic. Except surgically.

  • VS.
  • Alien Chick
    She has three breasts, but she might suck your brains out your ear.


  • CLICHÉ CHICKS

  • Catholic Schoolgirl
    It’s too late for you. Make it too late for her.

  • VS.
  • Farmer’s Daughter
    The tastiest meat is 100% corn-fed.


  • High School Lacrosse Champion
    Looks great in shorts, and exploring lesbian tendencies.

  • VS.
  • Convict
    She’s trouble. Sexy trouble.


  • TABOO CHICKS

  • Freshly 18-Year-Old Girl
    Boldly go where no man has legally gone before.

  • VS.
  • Distant But Hot Cousin
    Come on. If you didn’t know, you’d totally hit that.


  • Mute Chick
    Con: No talking during. Pro: No talking afterwards.

  • VS.
  • Taller-Than-You-Chick
    She’s a supermodel… but with her, you’re just a short guy.


  • EASY CHICKS

  • Grieving Widow
    Needs you to fill the emptiness in her… life.

  • VS.
  • Funny Chick
    Never had a date for prom, and she’s not over it, either.


  • Island Native
    Approach her with a peace offering…an olive branch. In your pants.

  • VS.
  • Librarian
    Ironic twist: SHE’s long overdue.
  • Tuesday, March 7, 2006

    LAUNCHING A THOUSAND RELATIONSHIPS

    Once again my lagging pupil, Ted, has proven how little of my advice he actually absorbs from day to day. The minute he found the strength of character to embark on the amazing journey that is a long-distance relationship, something I have been advocating for years, he admitted he would not be seeing other girls during said relationship, clearly missing the point entirely.

    Now, we all know long-distance is delightful. An L-D-R provides S-E-X in two outstanding locations, at home and abroad, at highly controllable intervals. A man in an LDR secretes the irresistible pheromone nature bestows upon all men with girlfriends, which the babes on the home front will sniff out like a trained pig targeting truffles in the woods. And it is nearly impossible for long-distance girlfriends to keep tabs on what you are doing at any given moment. The pros and cons tell it all.

    Advantages and Disadvantages of Long-Distance Relationships

    A matrix by Barney Stinson

    Pros
  • Guaranteed sex
  • Save $$ on constant dates
  • Vastly diminishes chance of getting caught in bed with her friend(s)
  • Easy to break off (via telegram)
  • Offers "I'm in relationship" excuse if ever caught in room of horny heifers
  • Exposure to new languages, cultures
  • Chicks dig dudes with girlfriends
  • Cons
  • ???


  • But friends, a long-distance girlfriend is not a wife. Long-distance girlfriends are the Lays potato chips of women. They are meant to be enjoyed in massive quantities, with tasty dips and spreads. As you can see on the accompanying chart, the more long-distance relationships you have, the more guaranteed sex partners you have. It's simple math, and one of the very few times math can get you laid.



    But as great as they are, it is true what they say: "Long-distance relationships take a lot of work, even when you are only maintaining five or six." Trying to keep track of the backstories and groundrules you've created with your girlfriends is a dangerous juggling act, and one for which I recommend a dedicated assistant. Failing that, a detailed spreadsheet can allow you to quickly brush-up before encountering a long-distance girlfriend. Here's an excerpt of the one that got me through the first quarter of '06.


    NAMEPET NAMEWHERE SHE'S FROMTHINKS I'M FROMWHERE WE METNOTES
    TiffaniSnookieUC DavisIsraelOktoberfest -(brewage and Animal Husbandry major)Thinks I'm in mandatory military service, do not call till '09
    JoanneCookieChicagoSouth AfricaOn holiday in BarbadosTold her was pirate
    SaadetN/AStockholmHoustonFirst class lavatorySpace program
    Kelly S.PookieTorontoIsle
    of Man
    Baccarat table, FoxwoodsUse British accent (north-midfordshire)
    Kelly R.Puddin' PopNew YorkKillarneyLaser TagHave also wooed her as own twin brother, Sampson
    Carolyn(line?)N/APortland, MaineAustriaAunt's funeralPeanut allergy, dead aunt
    HannaMuffinDresdenShreveportKenyan SafariGets car-sick