Tuesday, February 28, 2006

RECYCLING

I recently "reconnected" with a "friend" I hadn't "seen" since the early 90's. Disappointingly, she was nowhere near as acrobatic as she was in my "memory." This got me thinking: Barney Stinson, what else did you vigorously enjoy in the 90's that, when revisited, turns out to suck donkey barrels? I'm not too proud to share. We all have embarrassing stories.

The film "Reality Bites" -- Not as cool as you think it was. And neither were you.

Flannel shirts -- Let's take all our disaffected, rebellious teenage hotties and urge them to dress like homeless lumberjacks and not bathe. That's a great idea.

Figure Skating -- Sure, Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding made us THINK it was all catfights and ill-conceived thuggery, but as anyone who tried to slog through the Winter Olympics will know, figure skating is unbearable.

The issue of Rolling Stone with Rene Elizondo holding Janet Jackson's breasts -- Justin Timberlake did it so much better.

Vanilla Ice -- Ice is actually bad enough that he's come all the way around to being enjoyable again, but only ironically.

The Toronto Blue Jays -- Back to back World Series pennants from a team built around Pat Borders, Candy Moldonado and Kelly Gruber? It really happened.

Those crappy "American Pie" movies - Ooh, band camp, band camp! Little did we know this catchphrase would mutate into a pop-culture pandemic that we are still stuck with seven frickin' years later. Note to producers: Please stop. You're hurting America.

Furby -- Furby couldn't learn. Furby didn't understand what you were saying. Furby couldn't love. Goddammit, this still pisses me off.

Spin Doctors -- What could possibly cooler than wearing a ski cap while jamming out to Two Princes? How about wearing two so you don't have to hear it?

"Saved By the Bell" -- Just kidding. "Saved by the Bell" is awesome.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

WINTER OH! - LYMPICS

Apparently, not many people have been watching the Winter Olympics taking place right now in Torino, Italia. At first I found this disturbing: Whatever happened to patriotism, international camaraderie, or appreciation for unprecedented feats of athleticism? I flipped on the flat-screen, looking for answers and dramatic Alpine shots of hard-bodied snow bunnies slathering one another in full-bodied olive oil.

What I found, however, was a collection of unidentifiable humanoids shuffling around in unflattering space suits, masking their mugs in goofy helmets and competing in events that seem designed to paralyze the presumably-attractive participant from the gazongas down. If these world-class athletes are truly engaging in athletic feats of international camaraderie, as I certainly would be were I bunking down in Olympic Village, then no sign of it whatsoever is making it to air. Hmm, I wonder why ratings are down?

Below are a few proposals that will no doubt increase viewership, improve morale, and add some much-needed heat to these Olympic games.

HOT TUBBING: Like snowboarding, this phenomenon has grown from a pastime to a full-fledged Olympic-caliber event. Today's great hot tubbers are getting naked, getting relaxed and getting it on with the focused energy of professional athletes, as they attempt to pass the torch underwater and avoid embarrassing bubbles.

BOOBSLED: What, besides anything, would be more exciting than watching a four-man bobsled team sliding down the track? How about a topless, eight-milkshake toboggan team that makes every jostle and carom a cause for celebration? I've got a really tasteless chapstick joke that could go right hereā€¦ (HINT: they're topless, it's cold, and they're moving fast).

FIGURE RATING: A sport to determine, once and for all, which nation produces the world's hottest women. An international team of judges using sophisticated computer equipment will award points for technical and aesthetic merit. Unlike Figure Skating, participants MUST be biologically female, fully-developed, and over the age of 18 by the time of the games, or at least within spitting distance if they're like, super hot.

ICE POLE-DANCING: This bastard cousin of figure skating would be re-energized with an infusion of techniques from fine burlesque, introducing a pole in lieu of the "male" "dancer." Extra points awarded to dancers who pull off the difficult "nipple lutz" or, I guess, pull anything off.

IGLOO CONSTRUCTION: How do they make those things?

BIATHALON: Just a shout-out to the one Olympic sport that needs no augmentation. I could watch the bi's athaloning all night long. I do propose, however, widening its scope to include the bi-curious-athletes as they tend to be hotter, pound for pound.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

WHEN SHOULD YOU WEAR JEANS TO A STRIP CLUB... NEVER!

Whenever I visit a gentlemen's club, I always consult my pre-strip checklist beforehand to maximize both my enjoyment and my overall value, because if there's anything more exhilarating than an erotic dancer's pom-poms in your face, it's knowing that you got your money's worth.

Converted sufficient currency to singles
Hid ATM /credit cards deep in wallet yet still accessible in case of rare "twins" scenario
Cleverly planted fake movie producer business cards on person where they might "accidentally" fall out, into dancer(s) bra

While these three checkpoints apply to my own burlesque patronage, I suspect there's one more basic precaution most of you will forget as you giddily prepare for a magical night of dancing nipples: Jeans. Never, I repeat NEVER, wear jeans to a strip club. Here's why.

9 Reasons you NEVER Wear Jeans to a Strip Club

9. Cloth pockets are roomier, more elastic, allowing for a thicker wad of cash.

8. Denim clashes with a club's leopard, zebra, or other safari animal motif.

7. Unless the gentleman's club is in your living room, you'll be going out to view these ladies, and thus, should be suiting up anyway.

6. Jeans remind dancers of their ostensibly disenfranchised, lower-tier socio-economic upbringing that has propelled them toward their unhappy, proletarian existence, mitigated only marginally by the delightfully tawdry, strobe-lit arena of the burlesque club.

5. Jeans remind dancers of YOUR ostensibly disenfranchised, lower-tier socio-economic upbringing that has propelled you toward your unhappy, proletarian existence, mitigated only marginally by the delightfully tawdry, strobe-lit arena of the burlesque club.

4. One word, two syllables, three hours in the E.R.: Zipper.

3. Jeans make my legs look skinny.

2. It's a performance, and deserves respect. These erotic dancers have practiced tirelessly on a technically demanding piece of choreographed art. Would you wear dungarees to a ballet? (Sorry, trick question. Unless you're into dudes displaying their pressed fruits, you don't watch ballet. So the answer's still "No." Trick question withdrawn.)

1. You don't feel it as much on your kazoo.

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

BROCABULARY LESSON

Since the dawn of mankind, when dudes would hunt mammoth just to get away from the cave for a few hours, bros have been hanging out in chick-free, but totally awesome ways that are completely platonic and not gay at all. It's called "bro-ing out." It's akin to a "girls' night out," except that bros generally do not practice kissing and feeling each other's boobs. Bros bro-ing out are more likely to, say, patronize a fine burlesque where they can strap on a pair of bi-brocals and observe ladies engaging in just these activities.

Bro-ing out affords today's bro a welcome respite from having to rescue women from the shackles of their perpetually lusty throes. And, like many of life's more enjoyable diversions - wine, cigars, Chinese Checkers - it comes with a dialect all its own. So while the uninitiated loner may be confused by the broliferation of unfamiliar terms with which I describe my brown-up activities, the true brofessional will understand what I am bro-ing on about. And for those who don't quite get it, here's a chance to get in the bro.

(Oh, interesting fact: The bro who accompanied me on my personal bro-ings on about town this weekend? Actually a chick. A smoking hot chick. Unorthodox, but surprisingly enjoyable. And yes, I totally broned her.)

Encyclopedia Brotannica - Barney's Guide to Bronunciation
(Selected entries)

Brode
The bro code: A bro doesn't tell a mutual bro that a third bro has a crush on him, just like the third bro doesn't tell the mutual bro that the original bro went bare-pickle in front of her. SEE "QUID PRO BRO"

Bromosexual
A bro who's also a chick, and therefore bang-able.

Broner
Over-excitement for any bro-ing out activity. e.g. Ricky popped a broner when his friend rented out the local laser tag arena for his birthday.

Bronoculars
A safety device designed to counteract another bro's beer goggles. e.g. If it hadn't been for Sam's bronoculars, John would've totally tagged that ugmo.

The P-L-Bro
A group of bros occupying the same brocation as your own brommunity.

Bro-atia
1. A utopian bro-dom. 2. A strip club.

Brotorcycle
A motorcycle accommodating two or more gentlemen "on the bro."


Brotorcycle.