Tuesday, January 31, 2006

HAIKU? HIYA!

The way into a woman's pants, we know, is through her heart... but short of invasive surgery, how does one get to a woman's heart? Poetry. As a panty-melting agent, the original poem has much to offer, especially considering how freakishly easy it is to write one. Most forms of poetry require no effort whatsoever, but the easiest of them all is the Haiku. Syllables: 5-7-5. String them together, unbuckle your belt, and say "arigato" to our Japanese friends for their efficiency in getting you laid.


Double X Chromosome
by barney stinson

hot cutlet biscuit
foxy chick bambi bunny
dirty flirty thang

Laser Tag
by barney stinson

light cuts through the smoke
where is my foe now? Only
his corn dog remains

Finer Wear
by barney stinson

two button pinstripe
classic or legendary?
depends on necktie

High Five
by barney stinson

one two three four five
raise each one high in the air
cut me some skin, bro

Wingman
by barney stinson

wingman O wingman
please save me from the fatties
it's your sworn duty



All work on this page copyright © 2006 by Barney Stinson. All rights reserved in perpetuity throughout the universe. Reproduction of the material on this page is strictly forbidden without written permission of the copyright holder Barney Stinson author Barney Stinson and publisher barneysblog.com. Seriously, write your own goddamn poems.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

BREAKING DOWN BRIDESMAIDS

Yo barney,
     Ok this sucks when all your friends get married and your [sic] left and I'm tired of them giving me the second hand girls from there [sic] wifes. Where's the great pick-up spots in [sic] the solo guy?
--Ed


Ted, please. It was funny at first, and now it's just embarrassing. Stop begging me to help you pick up girls by sending me e-mails sarcastic-quotation-marks "disguised" by bad grammar and faulty punctuation. It's beneath you. I know you read my blog, Ted. It's okay. Lots of people are picking up what I'm laying down. And in the future, if you must choose an alias, try to think of one that is not almost exactly your actual name. How about Whiney Nosack? Seriously, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were doing this to hurt me, Ted.

Your question, however, is not uncommon, and ironically enough you have hinted at the answer yourself. It is precisely when all your friends get married that you have access to the greatest pick-up opportunity of them all. A wedding - specifically, someone else's wedding - should get you 35% more laid than any other event. Numbers don't lie.

How could this be? What gives weddings their 35% more layage advantage? Bridesmaids, my friend. Bridesmaids. A bridesmaid is infinity times more layable than an actual woman - hopped up on a drug known on the streets as long-term commitment, disoriented by a profusion of guys in panty-melting formal wear, and by and large, drunk.
Wedding receptions are the Toys-R-Us shopping spree sweepstakes prize of pickup venues. The challenge is not in acquiring a bridesmaid, (kid, candy store) but in finding the BEST bridesmaid and closing the deal before she's been claimed. If you're not in the wedding party and therefore lack any sort of pre-reception intelligence, you may have fewer than three minutes to identify, isolate, and intrigue a maiden, for when there's blood in the water, the sharks will come.
You must move with the urgency and precision of a SWAT team kicking down the door, deciding who's a civilian, and ghosting the bad guys before they can fire back. Strategy? Your target is the second-hottest bridesmaid. Trust me on this one. Her natural jealousy of the first-hottest bridesmaid, which has been simmering in her small-but-attractive breast since the rehearsal dinner, will make her an absolute maniac in bed.

If you miss the second-hottest bridesmaid, immediately initiate your system of mental triage. Scan the room for identical dresses, and prioritize them in order of hotness, quickly eliminating those wearing wedding rings from your horizontal dance card.

Finally, never forget that bonus points are awarded for scoring multiple bridesmaids, separately and together, naturally. Ergo, if you find yourself bedding a dud, you can still salvage the evening by sweeping back through for seconds. Leave no bridesmaid unturned.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

BARNEY'S MAIL "SACK"

From time to time I like to dip into my sack and respond to desperate appeals for help in all things Barney. Please feel free to email your own concerns to me: barneystinson@yahoo.com. If nothing else, they're good for a laugh, losers.

Dear Barney:

I'm about to go on a blind date and I'm a little nervous. I let the girl plan everything and fear I'm headed for a night of romantic Victorian era movies or ballet. Did I make a mistake?

Blind in Bristol

Dear Blind in Bristol,

Ah yes, the blind date… my old nemesis. Most people shudder at the thought - uncomfortable greetings, awkward silences, the possibility of spending an evening alone with a heffer - but only a rare and blessed few appreciate the majestic beauty and golden opportunity that a blind date can afford. Sadly, you must do your homework.

Consider this, Barneyphiles: A blind date is but a simple game of intelligence gathering. After conducting your standard reconnaissance (google searches, online friendship sites, police records, etc.), you're usually left in the dark regarding the most important questions about your date, for instance: "Will her roommate be interested in splitting cable… my cable?" By allowing her to plan the date venue, you've ingeniously tricked her into showing her hand, and hopefully that hand is steadily creeping up your leg.

Below are five common date arenas that women suggest for blind dates, and more importantly, what each of them mean in translation. Use these as a guide, but remember, Blind in Bristol, should things get hairy (figuratively and/or literally), your old friend the Lemon Law is there to bail you out.

Blind Date Venue Dictionary
(Note: If she's an "8" or above, you may disregard the following)

Dance Club/Beach - Homerun! You get to see the real her… in a skimpy outfit. What else could you possibly need to know? This chiquita is a keeper, at least for the evening. (Bonus: If you're less than impressed or happen to be related to her, there are tons of available peaches ripe for the picking.)

"Fancy" Restaurant - Two words: Lemon Law. She already demands too much. If she expects someone to "pepper her salad" and "refold her napkin," just imagine what lifeless participation she'll offer in the bedroom.

Meet the Parents - Pull chute. She's clingy, unstable, and worse yet, probably poor. Get out! Unless… her mom is really hot. Like a 12. Then, you should stick around. You never know how these things play out.

Drinks at a Bar - A fairly common date. Seems like a slam dunk, right? Not so fast, Trebek. This sand-trap actually requires deeper observational skills. If she's a lush, she's either a lot of fun, or emotionally unstable, and perhaps not "hot emotionally unstable." Either way there's a good chance you'll be carrying her out of the bar, and that's not exactly the workout you had in mind.

Mini-Golfing - Thrives off competition. Potentially a lesbian, and not in a good way. She certainly won't sleep with you unless you lose… badly. Swallow your pride, gentlemen, and remember the old saying, "A hole-in-one at the end of the night is better than a free game putt through the clown's mouth."

Friday, January 6, 2006

GETTING UNPSYCHED THROUGH FILM

I revisited one of my favorite movie-drinking games in my post-New-Years movie marathon this year. After a truly mind-blowing evening, one must practice proper Psychage Decompression before sleeping, lest the various systems governing bodily Psychage suffer permanent damage. I personally decompress by watching the following classic films in reverse-adrenaline order:

1) Top Gun
2) The Die Hard Trilogy
3) Braveheart
4) Tombstone
5) Days of Thunder

Adding a drinking game to these films is not only amusing, but also maintains your buzz as if in tribute to the previous night's revelry.

Here are the rules for a game I learned in Hanover, New Hampshire. It's a tribute to the most heart-pounding, stroke-inducing, high-fiving classic film of them all, "Top Gun."

Barney's TOP GUN Drinking Game
(For 5-20 Top Gunners)


1. Choose Your Call Sign. Each participant chooses a character before the opening credits. Each time that character's name is mentioned, the designated player must take a sip of their beverage (5 SIPS EQUAL A FULL BEVERAGE). Example: hearing the name "Pete Mitchell," "Maverick," or "Mav" all require beverage consumption for the player who selects the Maverick call sign. The list at the bottom includes the major available characters in decreasing difficulty of beverage consumption.

2. Choose Your Call Out. At least one time during the film, each player must yell "Pause" in the direction of the chosen remote control operator and challenge another player to perform the subsequent line(s), lyrics, background activity, and/or movement in the scene. The challengee must perform the next line or physical movement (eg. "The Slider Flex") exactly as it appears in the film, followed by the challenger's own rendition. The movie is promptly resumed to reveal the correct answer and the losing party must finish a full beverage. Should both challengee and challenger fail, both drink. Every player is encouraged to issue at least one challenge during the game, but overuse of the "Call Out" by any particular player may invoke the Tigger Rule, in which the offending player is asked to "shut up" to prevent senseless filibuster.

3. "B.S." Rule. Any time an overly technical term is used, everyone yells "B.S." or other appropriate exclamation and drinks a sip of their beverage.

4. Afterburners. When jet afterburners flare up, players must shout "Afterburners!" and enjoy a sip of their beverage.

5. The Mig Rule. Each time a Mig (a Soviet fighter jet) appears on the screen, everyone yells "Screw the Russians" and drinks a sip.

6. Bitchy. Every time Charlie (Kelly McGillis) does or says something bitchy, everyone drinks a shot of a coconut-flavored beverage.

7. Hot. Whenever Charlie does or says something hot, everyone drinks a shot of a distilled, Tennessean beverage.

8. You've Lost That Loving Feeling. When Maverick serenades Charlie in the bar, male players must sing along to any female players in the game. Singers then may enjoy a sip of beverage upon completion.

9. Missile Lock. Any time you see and/or hear a missile lock (one jet "locks on" to another), everyone yells "Oh crap, we're screwed" or other appropriate exclamation and drinks a sip of their beverage.

10. Tower Buzz. When coffee spills either on account of Maverick buzzing the tower (both times) or the tray of coffee overturns when the XO officer chews Viper out, each player must yell "Screw you, you fat bastard!" chug a doughnut, then do a shot of a coffee-flavored spirit.

11. Phallic References. Following overt phallic imagery or lines of dialogue (eg. "we're the tip of the spear"), players shout "Penis reference" and sip their beverage.

CHARACTERS
Lt. Pete "Maverick" Mitchell (Tom Cruise)
Lt. Nick "Goose" Bradshaw (Anthony Edwards)
Lt. Tom "Iceman" Kazanski (Val Kilmer)
Cougar (John Stockwell) (Warning: Requires rapid beverage consumption)
Lt. Ron "Slider" Kerner (Rick Rossovich)
Lt. Cmdr. Rick 'Jester' Heatherly (Michael Ironside)
Charlotte "Charlie" Blackwood (Kelly McGillis)
Cmdr. Mike "Viper" Metcalf (Tom Skerritt)
Wolfman (Barry Tubb)
Lt. Sam "Merlin" Wells (Tim Robbins)
Sundown (Clarence Gilyard Jr.)
Lt. Rick "Hollywood" Neven (Whip Hubley)
Stinger (James Tolkan)
Carol Bradshaw (Meg Ryan)
Chipper (Adrian Pasdar)
Lt. Davis (Randall Brady)
Air Boss Johnson (Duke Stroud)
Sprawl (Brain Sheehan)
Inquiry Commander (Ron Clark)
Bartender (Frank Pesce)