Tuesday, September 19, 2006

BARNEYPALOOZA 2006

My friend Marshall* spent the entire summer depressed over some girl. Short of political activism or teaching, I can't imagine a more unproductive way to spend your time. Marshall sat on the couch for three months wondering whether this one girl - out of 3 billion tasty cupcakes the world over - was going to call him or not. I could've answered that question on the first day: Who cares?

Ted, meanwhile, was also depressed. And by depressed, I mean in a committed monogamous relationship. I'm a good friend and when my buddies are down, I do what any true friend would do - I give them space. In this case, 2742 miles of space.

I took some time this summer to explore the towering peaks and lush valleys found outside Manhattan and took my awesomeness on tour. Perhaps you caught my act? If you caught anything else, my apologies.

*I say "friend" though it should be noted that I'm his best friend. Marshall, however, is not my best friend. As of this blog entry, my best friend is Ted. It should be duly noted that I'm Ted's best friend as well.

"Barneypalooza - American Tour 2006"

PENNSYLVANIA: I managed to get "mine" in Allentown when husbands dug for coal all day.

OHIO: Ohio both begins and ends with "O." What up?

NEBRASKA: Participated in a corn husking festival…as the corn.

KANSAS: Topographers call this state the flattest in the Union. I beg to differ.

OREGON: State animal is the noble beaver, and that's a fact.

TEXAS: There's more than one type of star in the Lone Star State.

FLORIDA: Golden Girls.

NORTH CAROLINA: Chicks there are smokin'…menthol lights.

VIRGINIA: Old slogan: Virginia is for Lovers. New slogan: Virginia is for Acrobatic Lovers.

DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA: Erected my own monument all over our nation's capital.

For those of you who "participated" in my "tour" and would like something more permanent to commemorate the occasion, I am proud to offer this 100% cotton, high quality t-shirt. Email orders only, don't call. barneystinson@yahoo.com