Tuesday, February 14, 2006

WHEN SHOULD YOU WEAR JEANS TO A STRIP CLUB... NEVER!

Whenever I visit a gentlemen's club, I always consult my pre-strip checklist beforehand to maximize both my enjoyment and my overall value, because if there's anything more exhilarating than an erotic dancer's pom-poms in your face, it's knowing that you got your money's worth.

Converted sufficient currency to singles
Hid ATM /credit cards deep in wallet yet still accessible in case of rare "twins" scenario
Cleverly planted fake movie producer business cards on person where they might "accidentally" fall out, into dancer(s) bra

While these three checkpoints apply to my own burlesque patronage, I suspect there's one more basic precaution most of you will forget as you giddily prepare for a magical night of dancing nipples: Jeans. Never, I repeat NEVER, wear jeans to a strip club. Here's why.

9 Reasons you NEVER Wear Jeans to a Strip Club

9. Cloth pockets are roomier, more elastic, allowing for a thicker wad of cash.

8. Denim clashes with a club's leopard, zebra, or other safari animal motif.

7. Unless the gentleman's club is in your living room, you'll be going out to view these ladies, and thus, should be suiting up anyway.

6. Jeans remind dancers of their ostensibly disenfranchised, lower-tier socio-economic upbringing that has propelled them toward their unhappy, proletarian existence, mitigated only marginally by the delightfully tawdry, strobe-lit arena of the burlesque club.

5. Jeans remind dancers of YOUR ostensibly disenfranchised, lower-tier socio-economic upbringing that has propelled you toward your unhappy, proletarian existence, mitigated only marginally by the delightfully tawdry, strobe-lit arena of the burlesque club.

4. One word, two syllables, three hours in the E.R.: Zipper.

3. Jeans make my legs look skinny.

2. It's a performance, and deserves respect. These erotic dancers have practiced tirelessly on a technically demanding piece of choreographed art. Would you wear dungarees to a ballet? (Sorry, trick question. Unless you're into dudes displaying their pressed fruits, you don't watch ballet. So the answer's still "No." Trick question withdrawn.)

1. You don't feel it as much on your kazoo.