LET'S CLOSE A DEAL!
Question: If even Ted can bag a goldfish just a few hours after initial contact, why can't anyone?
Answer: Excellent question. While any gentleman with a heartbeat, a pulse, and a finely-tailored three-button pinstripe with color-matched neckwear can strike up a conversation with an acceptably hot donut in a bar, it takes something extra to close the deal - You've got to show her your big diction. That's right, words.
I ask you this, dear reader: Do you have what it takes to sac up, close the deal, and secure a date, preferably that same evening, and preferably at your favorite restaurant: Chez Your Pants? The following questions are designed to see if you do. If you pass, Godspeed: I'll see you out on the hot farm. If you fail, you have two options:
1) Invest in a buttocks donut and devote a solid 4-5 hours to my blog - a veritable guide to women.
2) Donate your genitalia to science - you clearly have no need for them.
Are You A Closer, or a Loser?
1. You're 3 minutes into a conversation with some long-legged Sally when you realize you've already forgotten her name. Oh no. You decide to:
(A) Politely offer, "I'm so sorry. Your name went in and out of my ears, probably because I was rendered deaf and dumb by your Helenic beauty and warming smile. Rendered so deaf and dumb, in fact, that I legally classify as a moron."
(B) Pull over your wingman and say you'd like to introduce her to him. Then, doing your best to ignore her laughter and the slow advances of your wingman's hand down her back, withdraw from the conversation and attempt to isolate only her name. Did you get it? You did? That's great!
(C) Devilishly inquire what her full name is, then suggest that you would've guessed her middle name. You might make an optional Rumplestiltskin joke here, or, alternatively, strangle yourself.
(D) Nothing, you pansy! Shakespeare said it himself: A name is like a rose, difficult to care for and thorny as crap. Besides, you've got more important things to do… like SECURE YOUR ACTION!
2. You offer to buy her a drink, and she responds, "No thanks." In response, you...
(A) Suggest that it's a good call. Irresponsible alcohol abuse can quickly lead to impulsive decisions one might immediately regret… Like letting her get away without a drink, dummy!
(B) Playfully respond: "Fine. How about I buy two drinks, and if one happens to find its way into your hand, so be it. So, what drinks should I get?"
(C) Buy her a Cosmopolitan/Daiquiri/Midori Sour, and correctly inform her that it doesn't count as a "drink," but it would be irresponsible of her to waste it, given global hunger and whatnot.
(D) Quickly answer: "Yeah, good call. Let's adjourn to my nearby hotel suite for a creme de menthe and backrub conference… Keynote speaker? You!"
3) After inquiring about her plans for later in the evening, she says, "I'm hanging out with my friends tonight." You respond:
(A) "Great! Have a nice evening. It was nice to meet you! Wait! Don't forget to take my manhood... You left it on your chair."
(B) "Okay. Well, maybe we can communicate at some point in the future, perhaps over a meal that I'll wind up paying for, and discover our common interests and endearing personality quirks, possibly over a drawn-out series of sexless, time-consuming dates."
(C) "Yeah, I should probably get back to my friends, since I'm not going to see them until I'm back from my tour of duty... If I make it back, that is... From my tour of duty... Because I'm going to war at a recognized, contemporary global conflict, ergo, I'm a brave man and most likely appeal to some nested desire for protection deep within you."
(D) Off a wistful look to the ceiling: "Each day we're given on this, our protective and motherly orb, is so special and yet, our de riguer patterns and rodentine marathon of repeated behaviors prevent us from really tasting all of life's passionate flavors. (You clench her hands) I'm sure your friends are enjoying yet another average evening, but you, fair and fortunate maiden, have the opportunity to EXPERIENCE... to live... to breathe. Come, adjourn with me to my nearby hotel suite for a creme de menthe and backrub conference… Keynote speaker? You!"
4) It's last call. The lights come on. Suddenly your long-legged Sally looks a lot more like the long-legged John "Spider" Salley, former Detroit Pistons forward. Decision?
(A) You know what? You've had a great discussion in the dark, and you're attracted to what's on the inside, not the particular set of elements that compose her exterior. It's time to gentlemannnishly ask for her number, so that you may compose yourself for a life with an amazing woman who looks like her face picked a fight with an iron… and lost.
(B) Bid farewell. You've had a nice conversation over the last hour or so, but it's time to rejoin your friends. After all, you're entering combat soon, but not without your virginity - that's safely intact.
(C) Squint. Hard.
(D) Mathematical Formula: Number of drinks she's had PLUS the number of drinks you've had PLUS the numerical equivalent of her cup size MINUS the number of your friends who have seen her in the light. Her drinks + Your drinks + Cup size (hers) - Friend witnesses = ?? If the answer is a positive number, invite her to your hotel suite. If it's negative, you run. You run fast, and you run far. Zero? Order another drink and invite her to your hotel.
5) Relative success. You've got her phone number, but she's trying to avoid your generous offer of aperitifs and shiatsu, foolishly believing you will call her very soon. If you're gonna close tonight, you need to act fast. You've got the ball, Maverick...
(A) Suggest she share a cab with you and your friends. You never know, she might enjoy the company of your loud and drunk friends, who in the confined space of a cab can delight her with colorful language, embarrassing stories, and the various odors they've accumulated throughout the evening… no doubt a natural pheromone.
(B) You offer to treat her to a late night coffee or meal, during which she can either sober up or fall asleep while you dig through your pockets in search of change to pay for the basket of fries she made you order then devoured in front of you.
(C) Forget change of venue. You offer another drink at the bar on speculation of an amazing story you have to tell her. It's a story of an embattled soul and a cold city, a story of desperation and unrequited love... and guess what? You're the main character!
(D) Ask her if she wants to see your boat/yacht. The best way to catch the moon and the glowing stars is on the Hudson, away from the light pollution of a confusing city.
A, B, C answers are worth 0 points
D is worth 1 point.
5 or more points - Congrats! You're a Barney-approved closer!
4 or less points - Congrats! You're a Barney-approved LOSER!