Monday, October 24, 2005

MY HALLOWEEN EVENING [READ *AFTER* HALLOWEEN SLUTS]

 Slutty
Cinderella
Slutty
Slut
Slutty
Ears/Tail
Slutty
Nun
9:42 PM10:56 PM12:03 AM2:21 AM
Viking
Roosevelt
Ninja
Gandhi
9:42 PM
10:56 PM
12:03 AM
2:21 AM


If you got it all right, you’ll know this was my night:

I rolled into the party as Theodore Roosevelt around 9:15 and immediately set my bespectacled sights on a chick dressed as a Slutty… Slut. Like most sluts, she was attracted to power, and after displaying some Bull Moose moves on the dance floor including my personal fave, the Mount Rushmore, she quickly gave up her number.

Around 10:10 was my first costume change. I snuck in and swept Slutty Cinderella off her feet, surprising her with my sizeable ninja stars. Apparently Prince Charming never figured out what you can do with a set of nunchucks, because by 10:56, she was calling me a gift from her fairy godmother. She definitely left more than a glass slipper at that party.

The Ninja stealthily slipped away, allowing Barney the Red to resume pillaging the party. Turns out even the Slutty Nun couldn’t resist my Norse charms and horned helmet, shouting Hallelujah for the Viking invasion.

As the party wound down, I returned as Gandhi. Starving for action, I approached what could only be described as a Slutty Creature With Ears and Tail, and dropped some effective late-night wordplay that silenced her non-violent protests: “Hi, I’m Gandhi, and I’m really IN-DI-YA. Why? Because you’re one MAHATmamma.” Hey, it worked.

HALLOWEEN SLUTS

Halloween is just around the corner, and you know what that means: Girls dressed in slutty costumes all across the city... It’s like Christmas in October! It’s a longstanding Barney tradition to ring in November 1 snacking on something tasty I picked up the night before. Employing my patented system of changing costumes throughout the evening for maximal anonymity, I’ve always been able to score multiple phone numbers from various tartlets at any given Halloween party. That said, sometimes the system encounters a minor snafu…

Example: Last Halloween, I distinctly remember… almost nothing. I woke up with four new numbers saved in my phone, all from various chiquitas decked out in their holiday sluttiest, but due to my post-Halloween hangover, I couldn’t connect the numbers to their respective skimpy costumes. Tip: Always remember at least one detail about a girl from the night before if you’re calling in hopes of a repeat performance. That’s just good manners. Luckily, based on the times I saved their numbers into my phone and a few hazy memories of the four different costumes I donned throughout the party, I was able to reconstruct the night’s events with my own fairly impressive critical thinking skills and the following logic matrix.

I dressed as a Viking, a Ninja, Teddy Roosevelt and of course my old standby, Gandhi, although not necessarily in that order. I picked up one of four chicks in each costume: a Slutty Nun, Slutty Cinderella, a Slutty Slut and a Slutty some kind of creature with ears and a tail, I was pretty drunk by that point. To work the puzzle like I worked that party, X out a box when you’ve ruled it out based on the following clues. For example, Clue #1 says I didn’t wake up in my Ninja costume, so the Ninja / 2:21AM box is already crossed out. Hint: Some clues will allow you to X out more than one box. Are you up to the challenge?

Booze Clues – Or At Least What I Remember:
  1. I didn’t wake up in my Ninja costume, but I know I ended the night with some tail.

  2. The Slutty Slut was gone by November 1st, so she missed Gandhi... she too would go hungry.

  3. Both Cinderella and the Nun were intrigued by my sword. I was still seeing throwing stars as I changed into Viking.

  4. When I first entered the party, I spoke softly to hotties and showed them my “big stick.” Politically appropriate, yo. I was dressed as Teddy Roosevelt.

  5. I got Cinderella’s number early. I was afraid her melons would turn into pumpkins at midnight.


 Slutty
Cinderella
Slutty
Slut
Slutty
Ears/Tail
Slutty
Nun
9:42 PM10:56 PM12:03 AM2:21 AM
Viking
Roosevelt
Ninja
Gandhi
9:42 PM
10:56 PM
12:03 AM
2:21 AM

  Were you able to keep up with my night?

Saturday, October 15, 2005

FINDINGS


(Club Okay - HIGH TWO out of a possible HIGH FIVE)

It turns out Okay is barely adequate, exhibiting a marked lack of grindable cutlets. Quick suggestion for Club Okay: Lasic eye surgery for the bouncers. The situation inside couldn't get much uglier. And I mean that. Let's just say in a pond this small, you'd have better luck catching a fish at a family reunion. -Barney out.


Club Okay's ugmo-friendly defenses

I am, of course, kidding. About the family reunion thing. That was a joke.

Friday, October 14, 2005

UPDATE

Robin got us on the list for that new club, Okay. As a rule, I only frequent clubs where admittance is contingent upon a series of passwords, hidden stairwells, and a dress code that leans towards the formal, but my buddy Ted really really wants to go. Rather than listen to him cry like a little girl, I have Euroshirted up, prepared to procure maximum layage with minimal effort, and will post my review of Club Okay upon my return.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

SHOOTING WOMEN IN A BARREL

Lately I've been hunting for an appropriate venue to test my new club uniform: a button-down Euroshirt with a reflective disco ball sheen. Ridiculous under the halogen lights of your average apartment? Perhaps. But when bathed in the ultraviolet wash of your standard nightclub, the shirt emits a pheromonal luminescence no club-going woman can resist. Why? Biology lesson: Women, like fish, are attracted to shiny and/or effulgent objects. In fact, those of you with a keen eye have surely noted that women are becoming increasingly indistinguishable from fish, as illustrated in the following scientific observations:

TWENTY-FOUR WAYS IN WHICH WOMEN ARE LIKE FISH
  1. Both attracted to shiny objects

  2. More fun to catch while drinking

  3. Neither travel well

  4. There's others in the sea and/or bar

  5. Three words: catch and release

  6. Both travel in protective groups


  7. Small bladders

  8. The deeper you go, the scarier they get

  9. Their weight largely determines their value

  10. [EDITED: My lawyer has requested that I remove this one from the blog… hint: crabs!]

  11. They get all ornery if you try to grab their tail

  12. Bears will eat either of them


  13. Sometimes I likes 'em wild, sometimes I likes 'em farm-raised

  14. You must document great catches or no one will believe you -- video preferred

  15. Easier to reel in if you let them wear themselves out first

  16. Seen the movie Splash? Case closed

  17. Cold blooded. Looking your way, Stacy.


  18. Neither can operate a vehicle

  19. They both eat things

  20. The harder they shake their tail, the farther they'll go in life

  21. Scales are important to each of them

  22. They never have to buy drinks

  23. Umm… Eggs? Duh

  24. Can hook either with a great line


Friday, October 7, 2005

DIRECTIONS TO THE DUMP

One happy day three years ago, my friend Ted thoroughly dumped his girlfriend on her answering machine, on her birthday, in a classic move that would immortalize him in Barney’s Dump of Fame. Why did this dump achieve greatness? Because it was painless and effective. Three-Years-Ago Ted understood that when you’re hunting a dangerous animal you need to kill on the first shot, lest it return to rip out your liver, key your car, and sell compromising pictures of you to amateur porn sites. Tragically, Present Ted regressed, re-dated, and re-dumped this chick by “being honest with her,” a foolish stratagem that cost him a broken ego, three herniated discs, and a bruised uterus.

This is madness. Utter hogwash. Break-ups don’t need to be hazardous, stressful, or even time-consuming, and above all, certainly don’t need to be honest. I’ve enjoyed a hearty streak of pain-free dumpages using a set of pre-prepared rubrics, each infinitely customizable while allowing sufficient wiggle room for one last hurrah around the old oak tree. What follows is an example of one such rubric. Learn it. Be it. Dump it.


#14 – The “New Job” Dump

NAME OF CHICK, I’m very sorry to hear about your IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER. But I’m sure he/she will always look down on you from CHOSEN RELIGIOUS UTOPIA. And speaking of CHOSEN RELIGIOUS UTOPIA, my new job in the CARRIBEAN ISLAND CHAIN starts next week. I wish I could say more, but the CURRENT PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION forbids it and I’d prefer to keep my BODY PART(s). I’m afraid our time together must draw to an end. Long distance relationships rarely work, and I was just made aware that CELL PHONE CARRIER does not receive service in my small primitive village. You’re a wonderful girl with great PHYSICAL ASSET(s) and I will surely miss you. I wish you nothing but the best and I bid you goodbye, or should I say CARRIBEAN ISLAND TRANSLATION.


#99 – Emergency Exits

For those who feel even a simple elaborate lie is too daunting, here are six lines that will have you skippin’ down Hottie Street footloose and girlfriend-free in six words flat.

  1. Maybe you don’t need those fries.

  2. Your moustache is thicker than mine.

  3. It’s not you, it’s your looks.

  4. I’ll help finance your boob job.

  5. I was faking it… both times.

  6. Your sister seemed to enjoy it.
You out.

Monday, October 3, 2005

LICK MY BELLS

Earlier this week I had the good fortune to consummate yet another legendary chapter in the Story of Barney when I tongued the rim of the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia. Relevant factoid: I have now licked every national monument in the continental United States.

As anticipated, I met this challenge with a sprinkling of cunning and a boatload of bravado – which is, in fact, the name of my boat. Undoubtedly, many of you will endeavor to echo my legendary feat, and to you brave souls I offer this: A few select entries from my forthcoming book, Barney’s Guide to Licking the National Monuments. Godspeed, and good lick.

THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE - San Francisco, CA
TasteAtmospherePatriotismSecurity
1828236


This "orange-vermillion masterpiece" "steeped in San Francisco history" is now covered in an "acrylic-emulsion topcoat" that despite tasting "like monkey dirt," renders the monument free to be "thoroughly licked" without "fear of lead poisoning." "Spectacular views" of the Bay and the "equally lickable Alcatraz" make the Golden Gate a fave among tongue-tourists. The bridge spans 1.7 miles, so those intending to lick its entirety are encouraged to "bring bottled water and an anorak" as it can get "catastrophically windy."

THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN - Los Angeles, CA
TasteAtmospherePatriotismSecurity
0/30 MillionN/A-319


Lights! Camera! Tongue! If you’re strong enough to "break through the smog crust" to the "smoked hickory planks" below, expect either a taste of "utter opulence," or more likely, an overpowering "flavor of failure peppered with a hint of shattered dreams." Local lickers swear by "the top of the second L" where "if you can still manage to breathe," your T-buds will enjoy a "sandpaper-like consistency" that offers a marked contrast from "the plastic veneer of the city below."

THE SPACE NEEDLE - Seattle, WA
TasteAtmospherePatriotismSecurity
21840


A "tempting target" that "puts the North in Pac-Northwest," this phallic edifice should be "avoided at all costs." Its 605 feet of "pure erectile steel" offers little comfort to the "image-conscious hetero licker" who some say is better off licking their plate clean at the Needle’s rooftop restaurant which "serves up a top-notch stroganoff." Heh. Stroganoff.

THE STATUE OF LIBERTY - New York City, NY
TasteAtmospherePatriotismSecurity
4303015


Standing "tall and tasty" under the NYC skyline, Lady Liberty offers "a great date-lick venue" full of "romance," "history," and "confused tourists." While some say you can get better flavor "from the D train third-rail" and suggest "heavily pre-gaming with bathtub gin" others maintain "licking a 120 year old French woman has never tasted so good." Be sure to "stand upwind of Staten Island" and bring along a magazine as visitors can stand in line upwards of three hours before "licking that green bitch."

THE U.S. CONSTITUTION - National Archives, Washington, D.C.
TasteAtmospherePatriotismSecurity
26 (projected)123030


Security at the National Archives is widely considered "unreasonable" and "jumpy," providing a "serious challenge" to "even the most experienced licker of monuments." While I personally have NEVER attempted to lick the Constitution as security tapes will no doubt corroborate, fellow lickers insist that "you will definitely be arrested" and/or "held for an indeterminate amount of time," even if you were "merely licking the safety glass." They also advise against "bringing a quill pen anywhere near the Constitution" as the guards "are largely without humor."

THE ALAMO - San Antonio, TX
TasteAtmospherePatriotismSecurity
20262810


This Texan fort is "surprisingly gringo in flavor" though the charm and historic relevance will leave your "tongues a-blazin’." Official Alamo security can be "lax" and "slow to respond like all Texans," but beware the non-licking tourist vigilantes who are "usually hidden beneath non-ironic cowboy hats" and "mighty quick to take offense to someone licking state property." Drink plenty of water before and after your lick as although "mild and American" in taste, the "heavy Mexican influence" will have you "sayin’ ‘howdy partner’ to the baño for horas."