Earlier this week I had the good fortune to consummate yet another legendary chapter in the Story of Barney when I tongued the rim of the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia. Relevant factoid:
I have now licked every national monument in the continental United States.
As anticipated, I met this challenge with a sprinkling of cunning and a boatload of bravado – which is, in fact, the name of my boat. Undoubtedly, many of you will endeavor to echo my legendary feat, and to you brave souls I offer this: A few select entries from my forthcoming book, Barney’s Guide to Licking the National Monuments
. Godspeed, and good lick.THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE - San Francisco, CA
This "orange-vermillion masterpiece" "steeped in San Francisco history" is now covered in an "acrylic-emulsion topcoat" that despite tasting "like monkey dirt," renders the monument free to be "thoroughly licked" without "fear of lead poisoning." "Spectacular views" of the Bay and the "equally lickable Alcatraz" make the Golden Gate a fave among tongue-tourists. The bridge spans 1.7 miles, so those intending to lick its entirety are encouraged to "bring bottled water and an anorak" as it can get "catastrophically windy."THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN - Los Angeles, CA
Lights! Camera! Tongue! If you’re strong enough to "break through the smog crust" to the "smoked hickory planks" below, expect either a taste of "utter opulence," or more likely, an overpowering "flavor of failure peppered with a hint of shattered dreams." Local lickers swear by "the top of the second L" where "if you can still manage to breathe," your T-buds will enjoy a "sandpaper-like consistency" that offers a marked contrast from "the plastic veneer of the city below."THE SPACE NEEDLE - Seattle, WA
A "tempting target" that "puts the North in Pac-Northwest," this phallic edifice should be "avoided at all costs." Its 605 feet of "pure erectile steel" offers little comfort to the "image-conscious hetero licker" who some say is better off licking their plate clean at the Needle’s rooftop restaurant which "serves up a top-notch stroganoff." Heh. Stroganoff.THE STATUE OF LIBERTY - New York City, NY
Standing "tall and tasty" under the NYC skyline, Lady Liberty offers "a great date-lick venue" full of "romance," "history," and "confused tourists." While some say you can get better flavor "from the D train third-rail" and suggest "heavily pre-gaming with bathtub gin" others maintain "licking a 120 year old French woman has never tasted so good." Be sure to "stand upwind of Staten Island" and bring along a magazine as visitors can stand in line upwards of three hours before "licking that green bitch."THE U.S. CONSTITUTION - National Archives, Washington, D.C.
Security at the National Archives is widely considered "unreasonable" and "jumpy," providing a "serious challenge" to "even the most experienced licker of monuments." While I personally have NEVER attempted to lick the Constitution as security tapes will no doubt corroborate, fellow lickers insist that "you will definitely be arrested" and/or "held for an indeterminate amount of time," even if you were "merely licking the safety glass." They also advise against "bringing a quill pen anywhere near the Constitution" as the guards "are largely without humor."THE ALAMO - San Antonio, TX
This Texan fort is "surprisingly gringo in flavor" though the charm and historic relevance will leave your "tongues a-blazin’." Official Alamo security can be "lax" and "slow to respond like all Texans," but beware the non-licking tourist vigilantes who are "usually hidden beneath non-ironic cowboy hats" and "mighty quick to take offense to someone licking state property." Drink plenty of water before and after your lick as although "mild and American" in taste, the "heavy Mexican influence" will have you "sayin’ ‘howdy partner’ to the baño for horas."