Monday, September 26, 2005


This weekend, my friend Ted threw what I believe was the worst party of all time, which has prompted me to create this cautionary visual aid.

Here's a tip: if your party develops any or, God forbid, all of these characteristics, shut it down. Also, beware of moving parties. Any so-called party that involves delivery pizza, beer you cannot keep cool because you have no fridge, and me loading all of your stuff into a U-haul is a direct affront to humanity. We out.

Other lame parties to watch out for:
  • Cuddle parties

  • Tupperware parties

  • Book club meetings

  • Parties of five

  • Block parties

  • Parties where e-vite is sent out more than two weeks in advance

  • Non-wedding parties with printed invitations

  • Wedding parties with printed invitations

  • Office parties

  • Parties with parlor games

  • Parties where parlor games from previous lame parties are discussed to any extent

  • Murder mystery parties

  • Parties with themes besides "nudity"

  • Parties like it's 1999

  • The Whig party

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


Lebanese girls have shot past half-Asians and taken over as the new preferred tasty cake. Sandwiched between Syria and the Mediterranean Sea, Lebanon is known for its natural resources of limestone, timber, and exotic bunnies - so gorgeous they'll cause any man to Bei-root for a little Middle Eastern piece.

Lebanon. Chief exports include citrus, wool, and legs.

So for those of you updating your Hot Flavor Lists at home, it now goes…
  1. Ladies of Lebanon

  2. Half-Asian Chicks

  3. Concert Tee Girls

  4. Senators' Daughters

  5. Castaways


Never thought I'd say this, but my boy's all grown up! Barneyphiles will know just how long I have been trying to get my buddy Ted to grow a pair and fit them out in fine worsted wool. Well the day has come, my friends. The day has come.

I've said it in this space before: Any man serious about the art of consistent layage needs to comprehend the following truism: Chicks love suits. For my Spanish readers: A las chicas le gustan los trajes. Don't believe me? Visit any fine tailor or vendor of serious menswear and who do you find standing outside, all pressed up and panting against the glass? Chicks, that's who. Staring in, straining to catch a glimpse of your sophisticated virility. You know it, I know it, chicks know it, and finally Ted knows it, at least we pray that's the case. Predictably, his date was awesome.

At long last. Ted wears a three-button jacket with side vents and soft shoulders, woven tie, and expression of childlike wonder as he considers his new allure.