Thursday, October 13, 2005

SHOOTING WOMEN IN A BARREL

Lately I've been hunting for an appropriate venue to test my new club uniform: a button-down Euroshirt with a reflective disco ball sheen. Ridiculous under the halogen lights of your average apartment? Perhaps. But when bathed in the ultraviolet wash of your standard nightclub, the shirt emits a pheromonal luminescence no club-going woman can resist. Why? Biology lesson: Women, like fish, are attracted to shiny and/or effulgent objects. In fact, those of you with a keen eye have surely noted that women are becoming increasingly indistinguishable from fish, as illustrated in the following scientific observations:

TWENTY-FOUR WAYS IN WHICH WOMEN ARE LIKE FISH
  1. Both attracted to shiny objects

  2. More fun to catch while drinking

  3. Neither travel well

  4. There's others in the sea and/or bar

  5. Three words: catch and release

  6. Both travel in protective groups


  7. Small bladders

  8. The deeper you go, the scarier they get

  9. Their weight largely determines their value

  10. [EDITED: My lawyer has requested that I remove this one from the blog… hint: crabs!]

  11. They get all ornery if you try to grab their tail

  12. Bears will eat either of them


  13. Sometimes I likes 'em wild, sometimes I likes 'em farm-raised

  14. You must document great catches or no one will believe you -- video preferred

  15. Easier to reel in if you let them wear themselves out first

  16. Seen the movie Splash? Case closed

  17. Cold blooded. Looking your way, Stacy.


  18. Neither can operate a vehicle

  19. They both eat things

  20. The harder they shake their tail, the farther they'll go in life

  21. Scales are important to each of them

  22. They never have to buy drinks

  23. Umm… Eggs? Duh

  24. Can hook either with a great line